*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4752423
Review #4752423
Viewing a review of:
Sprocket  [E]
A steampunk tinker helps her employer win the big race--300 words
by Schnujo's Doing NaNoWriMo?
Review of Sprocket  
Review by ScaryBee
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Sprocket is a helpful apprentice and there's one more race to tackle.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the undercurrent of respect Sprocket had for Mr. Alexander. Very well done considering the word count.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Sprocket's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Check your pilot’s seat, Mr. Alexander,” she answered calmly, then scratched her cheek, surveying the beauty of what she hoped would carry her…her whatever he was, over the finish line first."


MY SUGGESTION: "Check your pilot's seat, Mr. Alexander." She scratched her check, surveying the beauty of what she hoped would carry her...her whatever he was, over the finish line first.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I liked: "Fearful tears filled his eyes." -- The author uses a good economy of words to convey a vivid picture in the reader's mind as well as communicate emotion. Mr. Alexander is afraid to race again.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: This is a steampunk fantasy which is an alternate past.
PLACE: airship race

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Sprocket

Sprocket is dedicated to her craft, but she also knows a little about Mr. Alexander and how to motivate him. Great characterization for a small story. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any puncutation/spelling mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

This was an entry for the Daily Flash Fiction which had a strict word count, and set words to be used for the prompt. The author did a great job meeting the challenge. The title is representative of the story, and the opening places the reader right in the scene ready to go. Well done!
Anniversary Reviews email siggie


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


An Angel Army Review
FORUM
Angel Review Forum  (ASR)
Read, Review, Rate and Record all items read by the Army Angels.
#1188311 by iKïyå§ama

Review Signature
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/17/2024 @ 5:15pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4752423