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 Review #4751678 |
 |  | Jase and the Djinn  [E] for Short Shots, for Jase Anthony Schmeider, can a djinn help the soccer team?  |
| (4.5)   HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   Greetings, ridinghhood-p.boutilier! I am reviewing this because today is your 12th Writing.com anniversary!  First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. The Positives/What I Liked Right away, in the first paragraph, the reader is introduced to Jase, who is obviously quite upset that he hadn't stopped the ball from being kicked into the net. The ending score is 2 to 1, and he feels it's all his fault, so he throws down his goalie shirt and won't even shake the hands of the winning team. This is a great introduction to the story, as the reader is hooked. The second hook, is when Jase's grandmother takes him to get pizza after the game, and he asks her about her necklace, which is a tiny bottle with a stopper on top. I like that she explains what a djinn is, and that she offers her grandson to make the biggest wish in his heart. I like that Gramma wears jeans and knows about all kinds of weird stuff! When I was little, my grandmothers wore polyester (but they were still pretty cool!) Grandmas today dress a lot different! It very well could have something to do with the baby boomers from the hippie era.   Since you bolded the words BE STRONG, BE BRAVE, BE KIND, I'm guessing that was the prompt. And what a great message for Jase to repeat in his head. He may have lost the next soccer game, but at least this time he hadn't thrown down his goalie shirt and walked away. I'm actually impressed that you didn't allow your main character to win in the end, because it's not about winning. This story has a good message. Suggestions/Comments to ConsiderJust a few little nit-picky technicalities... -->Paragraph 3: "Yeah, you did, "she agreed,  "Yeah, you did," she agreed, You have a space before the second quotation mark. -->Paragraph 4: Your Mom and Dad Your mom and dad In this case, mom and dad aren't proper nouns. -->Paragraph 5: Jase wasn't sure he could swallow a pizza past the lump in his throat. Jase wasn't sure he could swallow a bite of pizza past the lump in his throat. Bite or piece -->Paragraph 7: "What's that?" ,asked Jase "What's that?" asked Jase Omit the comma. -->Paragraph 18: "That's OK, Jase, said coach, "That's OK, Jase," said coach, Left out quotation mark. -->Paragraph 25: "Gramma, he said. I don't think "Gramma," he said. "I don't think Forgot two quotation marks. Final ThoughtsThis is a nice children's story with a great message! Soccer has become quite popular with kids, so I'm sure many could connect to the disappointment of losing. I recently watched the Ted Lasso series (he's an American football coach who is hired in the UK to coach soccer) and I enjoyed it very much! The language is not for young kids, however, but teens and adults could stream it as long as they're not offended by the 'F' word! It's not only funny, but has some really good messages. Have a great day and... K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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You responded to this review 05/15/2024 @ 1:02pm EDT