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Review #4750698
Viewing a review of:
 
Nowhere is safe.  [E]
Winner! Write a story that includes the line: "It's not safe in there"
by A*Monaing*Faith
Review of Nowhere is safe.  
Review by Cubby
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Quill* *Quill* *Quill* *Quill* *Quill* *Quill*


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

*Tulipp* Greetings, A*Monaing*Faith! I am reviewing this because today is your 12th anniversary here at Writing.com! Time flies here, doesn't it?! *Smile*

*Quill* First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.

*Tulipo* The Positives/What I Liked

         *Bulletv* I noticed right away that you included a cover image which matches your story title. Excellent choice! You also filled in all three genres...Good job. *Bigsmile* In your intro summary, you include the word "Winner!" Congratulations!!!

         *Bulletg* Your first two lines definitely pull the reader in: "You may want to stay out of my head doc. It's not safe in there." Great hook. *Hook* It definitely made me want to read more, especially when I read, It's not safe in there.

         *Bulletp* it was easy to lean my head back and stare at the stucco ceiling. Nice visual.

         *Bulleto* You did a nice job with your characters, especially Jeremy. It's not easy writing Flash Fiction and accomplishing well-rounded characters, believable dialogue, conflict, and visuals in less than 300 words. Very impressive!


*Tulipo* Suggestions/Comments to Consider

         There were a couple places where a comma was needed when a character was addressed:
*Right* stay out of my head doc. --> stay out of my head, doc.
*Right* "And why do you say that Jeremy?" --> "And why do you say that, Jeremy?"
         In Paragraph 5, you seemed to have switched from past tense to present tense: I actually feel the whole story would read nicely as present tense, but that's a preference, not a correction. However, you should stay consistent either way. *Wink*


*Tulipo* Final Thoughts

         If this was the beginning of an actual book, I'd be very tempted to read it. It might make a great psychological thriller! *Smile*

         You are obviously a talented writer.


Have a great day and...*Quill*
  K e e p on W r i t i n g !
Cubby ")
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