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 Review #4750639 |
 | Serial Assistant  [13+] A famous detective's assistant has hidden talents. (WC 1980)  |
| (4.5)| Hi Damon Nomad , I am reviewing your short story, "Serial Assistant" , as one of the judges for March's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering, and good luck!This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.What I liked: I loved Darlene. I'm not sure what that says about me, but I thought she was fab.  Let's begin nearer the beginning, though, with your description of Detective Chase. After describing his expensive, designer clothes, you say, "He flashed his pearly white teeth as he ran a hand through his wavy blond hair." Everything about him seems kind of plastic, fake. I thought he would be the character who took over the story, at first. But I was wrong. In a fabulous way. You injected little bits of Darlene into the story, just enough for your readers to twig that she was not what she appeared to be. I realised that she was the SFK's partner when Chase described the person they were looking for like this: "Smart, quiet type that operates under the radar. Neat and tidy but not a flashy dresser. Willing to slavishly take orders." I couldn't wait to get to the end of the story to discover whether or not I was right about Darlene because I almost never figure out the clues that are dropped. So, to find out I was right was very gratifying. The end is wonderful. It made me smile, something like the Smiley Face Killer. I loved to see Darlene at her beachfront condo. She was very clever in how she got away with all the murders. I loved how she was applying for an identical job in her new location. She would start all over again, finding out everything the police had to give on the serial killer. Suggestions: Just a few things I would change ... "'She keeps track of the schedule, takes notes, and keeps the files in order. He added ..." - You missed out the end quotation marks after order, and so it should be a small h in he. Also, "People are lined up to get in and lots of women." - I would place a comma after in because the sentence doesn't make sense as it is. "The three detective's mobile phones" - The apostrophe should be after the S. Lastly, some of your start-quotation marks are in a different format to the others. I would just check those if I were you. Parting comments: This story is incredibly enjoyable. I love the genre and the characters you have created. Darlene is most definitely the star of this show. Choconut
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You responded to this review 05/09/2024 @ 8:59pm EDT