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Given: May 3, 2024 at 12:52pm
Length: 1,170 Characters |
1,153 w/o WritingML
Wow, this is a powerful piece with a punch despite its flash fiction status. In a minimum of words you have set a scene full of tension and turmoil. You describe conflict and bloody battles. You end with a sacrifice, a bid for martyrdom. "Her eyes went back to the round were citizens were now ripping the mechanical arms off of robotic sentries." Did you intend to write 'where' instead of 'were'? I also believe you do not need the word 'of' in that sentence. It is enough to write with the word 'off'. I would also suggest separating the dialogue with its own separate sentences. Begin a new paragraph for each bit of speaking. I also suggest rewording the final sentence of this story to make it less awkward but, of course, this is just my thought. Try writing "Johan made an attempt to stop her." I believe this piece would make a fantastic longer story with the words here as an introduction to something more, or a prologue. What led to this particular moment in time? Perhaps describe the tumultuous relationship between Johan and Selena. Create the back story and expand on it. Thanks for permitting me to read this. It has been my pleasure.
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