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Review #4748509
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The Map (March Prompt)  Open in new Window. [13+]
A guy from the future dropped in the wild west leading an Oregon Wagon Train.
by Laura Ellen Carr Author Icon
Review by Jayngle Bells Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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This is a "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. review!



Hello, Laura Ellen Carr!

*Checkb*Overall Impression:
This nicely blends time-travel adventure with historical fiction. It creates a compelling mix of curiosity and excitement for the reader.

*Checkb*Title and Description:
The title does well at hinting at an object—presumably the map—that will be central to the narrative. The description briefly sets the stage for the protagonist's unexpected journey along the Oregon Trail—the two work well together to pique the reader's curiosity.

*Checkb*Hook and plot:
The introduction effectively captures the disorientation and novelty of a modern character dropped into a past setting.
The narrative begins with a strong hook, immediately throwing the protagonist into a bewildering situation that both defies and demands explanation. This abrupt transition from the modern world to a wagon train in the 1800s is engaging and well-executed. The plot works well and includes many elements that set it apart from other time-travel tropes.

*Checkb*Characters and dialogue:
The characters are distinct and contribute to the old-western atmosphere of the story. The dialogue reflects the time period but could be tightened to enhance believability and flow. Allowing John’s modern dialect to slip through adds a nice touch of authenticity to his character's disorientation.

*Checkb*Grammar and Mechanics:
The narrative is generally clear, but there are moments where the punctuation, particularly around dialogue, could be improved for better readability. Occasional run-on sentences and a few grammatical slips (like "I asked him," instead of "I asked,") disrupt the narrative flow and could be easily fixed with a good grammar-checking program. It's also important to remember you don't need 'him' or other identifiers if we clearly know who the character is talking to.

*Checkb*Final Thoughts:
Chapter 1 sets a promising stage for both adventure and historical immersion. It ends on a note establishing John's resolve and hinting at future complications—well done!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!

Jayngle Bells Author Icon*Smile*



My approach to reviews: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim" Open in new Window.



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