"Game of Thrones"  "The Iron Bank of Braavos" 



Hi Adherennium

My name is Lyn, I am one of the sly foxes.

Title: Your Preliminary Breath

First Impression: Interesting form of poetry I haven't tried yet. Dave introduces a lot of creatve poetry forms doesn't he? For me the lines are choppy and don't have a smooth cadence. Did you try reading this out loud?

What needs your attention:
1. Like for instance: Your preliminary breath, perhaps screamed could be perhaps a scream because it connects better with the first line and flows smoother into the next.
2, The third line is a lot. Try as you're shot into our world of sorrow
Joy sounds your triumphal entrance because it's less clunky and delivers to the next line smoother.
3. so long awaited since, then finish with you swelled your mother's belly. We don't need first because it's implied.

4. with others interact as you share... sounds better as Interactions with others
then have share or compete

5. to climb the steep precipice

6. Make the ending stronger by shortening each line.
Breathe
little one
partake your surroundings
live well

What part I liked best: You have created a good foundation that needs tweaking to reach it's fullest potential. Kudos for setting the groundwork.

Overall impression: The author has experimented with
a Genethliacum Ode which is a poem written in honor of the birth of a child. The poem as is choppy and doesn't flow smoothly from line to line but has a solid groundwork to be get there.

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.


What does the Fox say?????


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .