"Game of Thrones"  "The Iron Bank of Braavos" 



Hi Jeffhans

My name is Lyn, I am one of the sly foxes.

Title: Minds per square mile

First Impression: Interesting concept in the description so I decided to keep reading.

What needs your attention:
1." Gravtrains, ,Haulageways and Railgun launched cargo shafts on took up a few million square miles leaving orders of magnitude" launched cargo shafts on... but there's no transition tuck up a few million. The sentence needs clarifying.
2. You have a lot of long sentences joined by and that slow the pacing in your story. I don't know if you're familiar with Joy she has an excellent piece on pacing that you might find helpful. I've included it for you.

STATIC

Pacing  (13+) Pacing is manipulating the storytime to give the story its flow. #1556311 by Joy

What part I liked best: Instant updating eliminating the middle man, kudos. I think having immediate access to every mind that has existed would be awesome. Having an extraordinary mind would be fascinating in your world.

Overall impression: I found this brief dive into sci-fi interesting but it does need help with pacing. If we're going to moving thru the speed of light than the pacing in the story should also reflect that.
The story has potential just needs a bit of tweaking. I hope you do check out Joy's article on pacing.

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.


What does the Fox say?????


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .