Hi Kristina. I was looking for a light, fun story to read. When I noticed yours, I knew I found what I was looking for.
The title, mentioning a Marshmallow Squad, sounded like it would be fun for sure.

I didn’t understand what the story would be about from the brief introduction, but it did sound intriguing to me. It wasn’t until I started reading it, that I realized it was about a boy and his dog. I love dogs, so it made me want to read even more.

You had a sad opening, where your readers learn that the boy’s parents died in a car accident, and now all Michael has is his dog, Jordan. I think you set to scene well, because your readers will understand why Jordan was too upset to go to school when he couldn’t find his dog.

Wow! Nice work in creatively turning what sounded like a strange dream into a sci-fi type reality. I liked the names that you gave to Marshmallow creatures. I also thought you chose a great name for the planet that they came from. I found myself glad that they were there to help Michael find the dog.

Your story ended with a scene where it is revealed that the dog was taken by a mean person who hoped to sell the dog. I take it this was a first chapter and that you might be planning to write more.

I found a few little things that, in my opinion, could be polished up so that your story could shine like the great story it is.

Your first opening paragraph seems to go on and on. I would break it up into at least two paragraphs. For example, the part, ” That day, Michael decided not to attend school because…”, could probably start a new paragraph.

Typo here, ” Jordan is you’re lost puppy who is very special ”. Of course, you’re should be your.


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