%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4744838 |
 |  | Green Dragon  [E] Retirement is boring...  |
| (4.0)  This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Hi Amethyst Snow Angel .I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reviewing your offering "Green Dragon" . The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer, and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. I chose this offering precisely because of your brief description. I just retired this past year after more than 32 years owning and operating a custom cabinet shop. I didn't want to, but I blame my wife for making me retire.  Anyway, I was very curious about your treatment of this subject.You wrote this piece as an entry in the November 2023 Quotation Inspiration official WDC contest. You met both the prompt and word count qualifications. Congrats. It would be interesting to learn how you fared. You took an active person into a retirement that was literally boring her to an early death. Liz is a person who needs some meaning to live, some job that gives her purpose. I enjoyed how you solved her dilemma. Talk about jumping into the deep end.  Editorial Thoughts.  I have to admit (and I'm not a hundred percent sure I'm correct in this assessment) I missed the ringing of your phone ... twice. I read and reread that line with the musical notes, finally deciding it was a phone call coming in. May I suggest you clarify that somehow? I felt that some of your conversation seemed stilted, like it was forced. It didn't flow easily. I thought the conversation between Liz and Joey was good. But the other conversations--her spook interview and with the General after reaching her hotel room--seemed forced.  Technical Considerations. It seemed that Liz wouldn't be saying this line out loud. May I suggest changing the quotes to single quote marks? "Shoot, it's the guy reading a book on the plane! How did this happen?! No…surely not the same man—enough Asians in California." My Rating. 4.0. You have an above average story, but it needs some attention with your dialogue. Thank you for sharing your offering.
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You responded to this review 04/15/2024 @ 11:18am EDT