"Game of Thrones"  "The Iron Bank of Braavos" 



Hi Susie

My name is Lyn, I am one of the sly foxes.

Title: The beginning of Susie 101

First Impression: My first initial reaction, don't be upset was the lack of white space. There are so many opportunities to creat smaller paragraphs so it's easier for the reader to pause and take in the information. like for instance " The morning arrived to start school, my mum dressed me in my new school uniform and we set off to walk the short distance to school, there were mothers and kids every...." this is the beginning of a new paragraph and you could have white space there to separate it from the previous sentence.

What needs your attention: Creating shorter and longer sentences helps create pacing in your story so it doesn't take on a monologue tone. Joy one of the senior moderators wrote an interesting read on pacing I think will be helpful to you

STATIC

Pacing  (13+) Pacing is manipulating the storytime to give the story its flow. #1556311 by Joy

What part I liked best: The direct approach the author took with the story. We're in the little's boy head seeing the situation through his impressionable eyes.

Overall impression: There's a lot of potential in you writing. I suggest glancing other authors writing and see how they used the white space in their work, Joy's writing is a great example.

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.


What does the Fox say????? Welcome to WDC. I hope you find everything you need here and more.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .