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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4743815
Review #4743815
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Wanya's Day  [ASR]
A forest elf in the city.
by PiriPica
Review of Wanya's Day  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Free Folk  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello PiriPica

I'm sending this review in connection with "Game of Thrones.


*Penw* Positives

I'm always impressed when people attempt challenges that add a degree of difficulty to their writing such as writing a story with no dialogue, or only dialogue, or other restrictions. I think you did a great job conveying interpersonal reactions even in the absence of dialogue, which is not easy to do. Nice work!


*Penw* Suggestions

While the actual scene itself was well written, it felt a little like the detail and description was taking the place of actual narrative. The scene had more of a vignette feel without much of a beginning or end, and it feels like, if word count was an issue, some of those words could have been used to fine-tune the narrative a bit and give it more of a lead-in and lead-out to round things out a bit.

There were also a few passive phrases that seemed designed to get around the "no dialogue" element and felt a little clunky. For example, the sentence, "The subtle woosh of exhaled air from multiple mouths revealed the shock that went through the crowd" felt like a bit of an overwritten way to say that "the crowd gasped" and, to the larger point above, it feels like some of that word economy could have been allocated to the setup and payoff of the story.


*Penw* Overall

Overall, I enjoyed the imagination of this piece and it was very effective at working with a difficult prompt restriction. I think there's a bit of room for improvement, but you've got a really strong foundation to work with in this piece. Nice job!


Respectfully,

Jeff
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