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Review #4743714
Viewing a review of:
 The Dream Open in new Window. [13+]
A small Challenge I do with three nouns ( Person, place and thing )
by Remi_Dee Author Icon
Review of The Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Review of The Dream by Remi_Dee Author Icon

It's very confused, isn't it? Things happen, apparently without cause, leaving the narrator helpless in a world that can produce new problems from nowhere. Yes, it's a dream but the reader needs some sort of solid ground to walk on. I don't think you're providing that in this piece. It's like saying something like, "The butterfly became a submarine and shot off into outer space." There's no sense in it at all and nothing for the reader to identify with and begin to care about what happens to the characters.

So you need to write some connections between the events, some sort of path to be followed that gives reason (in both senses, cause and meaning) to the story. The idea of taking the answers given by a random donor into a story is great, but you then have to connect them with a story and not just mix them into a soup.

The fact that you switch between the past and present several times does not help either, as it confuses the reader. And you need to edit a bit more carefully. I'm not quite sure what you meant when you wrote this: "it made the thing following me much more anger yer." And there are other little grammatical errors throughout that I passed over because they're not the main problem.

You have started with an excellent idea but need to put a little more effort into producing a story from your materials. The important thing is that it's a start and practice always makes things better. You can't lose, can you? *Wink*

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