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 Review #4742645 |
 | Miss Fit  [13+] Contest. Short story written to a prompt and less than a thousand words.  |
| (4.5)| The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. This is being reviewed for
  Howdy! Me again!  I see this was written when you were a newbie, not BRAND new, but still, a newbie. How cute!  "Contest. Short story written to a prompt and less than a thousand words." Uh, that's your description? No. Okay, I accept it's from a newbie. Actually, THAT is exactly why I looked to see when you joined and if you were a newbie when you wrote this.  Yep, you were.  Anyway, you know you need to work on that description, right? lolYou listed Contest as a genre. Nope. And Contest Entry shouldn't be selected either, because no one looks for those when looking for things to read. I'd suggest maybe Teen or Young Adult or Occult.BTW, I forgot to mention after reading the other item (Forked Tongue) that you could use Supernatural or Love/Romance or Family as other options for genres. "The therapists seemed to think she suffered from some sort of claustrophobia, but it was merely conjecture, they really didn’t know why she threw violent fits like she did." I'm pretty sure that should be a semicolon after "conjecture" because before and after are complete sentences. I'm pretty sure the rule is that if you can put a period, but don't want to, use a semicolon. "Homeschool" is 1 word. BTW, if you're homeschooled, you can get a real high school diploma, at least in the US. You work under the auspices of a high school or homeschool group and get the degree conferred by them, as I understand it. A GED is for folks who drop out of high school, not those homeschooled. The military will take homeschooled folks, but only during war or other personnel shortages will they take folks with a GED (unless they've since gone to college). "At breakfast, her dad had madeher a cheese omelet." Obviously, separate "made" and "her."  And now I'm hungry. Oh, I love that screen box idea! Smart! Though I would think the mosquitoes didn't care for the centrifugal force bit, but they can get attorneys to fight that. The idea of collecting 100 mosquitoes is cool! I wouldn't want to do it, but good for her! She must have done it fairly quickly, though. I imagine they can't live weeks without food...or did she "feed" them? "As she progressed, she couldn’t help but imagine each Mosquito as a tiny bit of energy that she gathered." Why is "mosquito" capitalized here?  I'm not 100% sure I understand the ending, but it sounds hopeful, so there's that. lol You might need more words to make it clear, you know, now that you can add to this. lol I like this story and would love for it to be fleshed out a bit more. Remember that my suggestions are only my thoughts on how your story could be improved. Take what you agree with and ignore the rest. Thank you for sharing your writing!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/07/2024 @ 7:34pm EDT