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Review #4742416
Viewing a review of:
 
Hello, Kitty! Open in new Window. [13+]
A surprise visit
by Creeper Of The Realm Author Icon
Review of Hello, Kitty!  Open in new Window.
Review by JACE Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Dragon* This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.! *Dragon*


Hi Creeper Of The Realm Author Icon.

I'm JACE Author Icon, and I have the honor of reviewing your offering "Hello, Kitty!Open in new Window. as part of a ten-review mini-raid. This is #2.

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer, and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

*Note1*
Overall Impression. When I remarried ten years ago, I gained a new wife and four cats--two indoor and two outdoor. I'd never had a cat in my 60 years of life. I have to admit, they do grow on you. What personalities they have.

Great job meeting the contest prompt. I can't imagine 13 cats of any persuasion, especially kittens. I believe Ms. Foxy outdid herself.

We don't have one, but I assume a tuxedo cat is a black and white one. Regarding your title--one thing I've learned is that when addressing a cat, it's always twice. "Hello, Kitty, Kitty!" By the way, snoring and farting are definite grounds for banishment to the great outdoors.

*Writer*
Editorial Thoughts. Some of the sentences seemed disjointed when I read them. It occurs when three or more phrases are in one sentence. Try reading your story out loud and I think you hear those spots. One example:

I wished I could take her for a walk, the light breeze felt good on my skin at least, but I knew that I couldn't.

The middle phrase felt out of place. Perhaps something like this:

Returning home the light breeze felt good on my skin. I wished I could take her for a walk, but I knew I couldn't.

Very ingenious solution to the bad behavior of the kittens. I would definitely love a pet of that sort (not to give anything away). *Wink*

*Exclaim*
Technical Considerations.

         *Bullet* Delete the comma.
 evidence of rummaging, visible on my driveway.

         *Bullet* Maintain tenses. 'scooted' --> 'there was'.
 I scooted to the edge of my comforter, just in case there's some foulness involved.

         *Bullet* Again, tenses. 'realized' --> 'it was'.
 I realized that it's her litter.

         *Bullet* Another wordsmith moment.
 ... nibbled on licked the milk ...

*Star*
My Rating.  4.0.

*Heart*
Thank you for sharing your offering.

Reviewed by

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