Review of Coming Home

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Review #4742139

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#4742139

Review of Coming Home

Review by Lornda

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Access: Public | Hide Review (?)

"Game of Thrones"

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Hello, W.P. Gerace

A gift from "Anniversary Reviews"

I enjoyed reading your story! It's a touching story about how one family rallies around another member who is very sick. I appreciate the fact that you kept this down to two characters. Sometimes in a story like this, too many character can flood the storyline. I didn't have any trouble getting to know both characters, and it was nice to see how much they were bonded not only as family but as friends. Well done!

I thought the story progressed at a good pace, but there were a few spots that slowed it down for me. I do have a couple of suggestions, but it's totally up to you if you want to edit.

In this paragraph, I wasn't sure why it wasn't dialog to show what she whispered. She lightly jabbed...

Be careful with repeating the same words so close together. You can catch it by reading it out loud. Here's one example, but there are other parts to check. ...not talk about that. That's ....

With this part, the word 'this' is tighter with an 'a'. Stacy pulled out this giant . I think this paragraph needs to be expanded to show more details because I didn't get the full visual on what was happening. It's like she just showed up and then jump on a escalator. Lol!

In a couple of places I really liked the phrasing to give a good visual. One of them is: ...made of some delicate glass that could explode. to describe how fragile the sick sister was when they hugged. I also liked how your didn't load the story down with a ton of family members being introduced. You wrote what had to be said about her family and that was certainly sufficient. Good work, and I'm glad I could visit you today!