%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4741184 |
 | Bearing Up  [ASR] A wedding that wasn't quite the bride's idea.  |
| (4.0)  This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Hi Wren .I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Bearing Up" . The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. First, congratualtions on making it to 18 years on Writing.Com. That is no small feat. I guess this mean you've "come of age" here. Seriously, thanks for being a member. I hope you continue your writing journey.Though I'm doing this review as part of the Game of Thrones event, I wanted to take advantage of your anniversary month as well. I'm one who seems to find the humor in everyday events, and I found this offering that fulfill my thirst for humor. I noticed that your creation and modification dates are essentially the same. I also have trouble going back to re-look at a story I wrote years ago. I know inside that I would see things differently that might improve the story. But I always seem too busy to take that step.  Editorial Thoughts. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your offering. I wonder if you personally had experienced any of the "shenanigans" that occurred. Great imagination. I especially enjoyed the "ring bear". Children never disappoint when you give them their head. May I suggest that you read your offering out loud the next time you take a moment to edit it. I believe you'll hear those spots that need tightening or extra wording that is not necessary before you see them while reading silently. If you're like me, you tend to skip over words when reading quietly, especially those that you've written. After all, you know what you wrote. Right?  Technical Considerations. This section relates to the mechanics of your writing. As written, the calm smile and nervous face seems a mite incongruous. A suggestion follows: While June’s father had on his calm, chairman-of-the-board smile, but he looked nervous too. While June’s father had on his calm, chairman-of-the-board smile, the rest of his face displayed his nervousness. This would read better by ending the sentence at mischief. Delete 'his mother felt sure'. ... ring bearer, who would otherwise have been getting into some mischief, his mother felt sure. As a reader, I stumbled over this paragraph. The wedding planner is the subject of the paragraph, yet you reference June indirectly twice confusing the issue. A suggestion follows:The wedding planner raised the end of her long train and gave it a mighty snap so that it billowed and floated behind her. She had been warned, but still it caught her off guard and she almost stumbled. Her father steadied her and they reached the chancel safely. Her father gave her hand a tender squeeze and sat down. The wedding planner raised the end of the bride's long train and gave it a mighty snap so that it billowed and floated behind her. June had been warned, but still it caught her off guard and she almost stumbled. Her father steadied her, and they reached the chancel safely. Her father gave her a kiss on the cheek and sat down.  My Rating. 4.0.  Thank you for sharing your offering.
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
You have not yet responded to this review.