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Review #4741047
Viewing a review of:
 Friends with Benefits: Party Pals Pt. 1 Open in new Window. [18+]
Kyle and Lucy go out for a night on the town at a local nightclub. Things get a bit crazy
by Johnny Foxx Author Icon
Review by Jeff Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Free Folk  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
The Free Folk image for G.o.T.


Hello Johnny Foxx

I'm sending this review in connection with "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window..


*Penw* Positives

The worldbuilding you've started creating here is really interesting. I love a good urban fantasy setting, and introducing not just werewolves but other mythological creatures like leprechauns is a great way to hint at a much larger world of endless possibilities. Nice work!


*Penw* Suggestions

There were a few things in this chapter of the story that were a little confusing or unclear. How can people like Kyle identify werewolves? Is this something that's common knowledge in this world? If so, it might be a good idea to explain that a little more clearly so that the audience understands that parts of the story that say things like "The bouncer, a burly werewolf with dark sunglasses" aren't as strange as they sound to the reader.

Similarly, Kyle seems to take all of this in stride as if nothing surprises him, including that his roommate is a werewolf who changes before his eyes. Again, is this something that's common knowledge or is it unexpected? Because Kyle seems to take all of it in stride (even meeting a leprechaun), so at this point in the story it really needs to be clear how the supernatural element plays into the story, who's aware of it, and making sure their reactions are realistic and consistent.


*Penw* Overall

Overall, I think you did a good job with the basic worldbuilding of this story and there's a ton of potential here. There are some execution-dependent things that need to be worked out, but I think you're off to a great start. *Smile*


Respectfully,

Jeff Author IconMail Icon
"Rating & Reviewing PhilosophyOpen in new Window.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/02/2024 @ 3:30am EDT
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