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Review #4740945
Viewing a review of:
 Sealed With A Kiss Open in new Window. [13+]
Written a while ago, this item needs guts. Please help!
by GailS Author Icon
Review by Jeremy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WRITING.COMmunity Service  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


Hello GailS

You are receiving this review of "Sealed With A KissOpen in new Window. in connection with "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window. and because you have an account anniversary this month! *Party*


*Gem* Areas of Strength

This short story was really heartwarming! I naturally have a soft spot in my heart for anything dealing with dogs. And Slurp . . . what a good boy he is! And what a fantastic and fitting name for a dog coming from one of the most drool-intensive breeds! *Laugh*

First things first, I really liked the way you've created bookends for your story by using the call for a handkerchief as the opening and closing. There's a bit of humor to it and also an uplifting quality knowing its because of Slurp's unconditional love and free-spirited nature. It ties up the story and brings it back to the beginning. Nicely done.

I also enjoyed Katherine's slow change of mind about Slurp. It's a nice and realistic progression. At first she only sees the surface: a slobbering, energetic dog. But once she spends a little more time with him and sees he also has redeeming qualities—helping find a missing teen and warning them of danger in the form of a cougar—her opinion shifts. And I think that's a really important lesson to learn and one that I wish more people embraced. Look beyond the surface; we're more than we appear.


*Gem* Areas for Improvement

The only suggestive edit I have for this piece would be further embrace the circling back that this story has as a motif. I think there's at least three more ways to help enhance that. When the boy is found with his ankle wrapped up, I think it'd be a good callback to have him say he twisted it running from a large animal and hid himself in the cave.

The exchange could be something like this:

"I saw a big lion or tiger—" the teen began.

"What you saw was a cougar. We don't have lions and tigers up here." Katherine said, fighting a smile. She'd forgive the teen for mistaking the big cats. With his family's wealth and position he probably didn't get out into nature often.

"Whatever it was, it was big and hissed at me. I ran away but slipped on some rocks and twisted my ankle pretty bad. Thought I was done for. But then saw this cave and crawled in for protection. I've been too scared to leave and it hurts to try and stand."

"Well, lucky for you," Katherine said as she patted Slurp's big head, "we have the best bodyguard in the entire Nation Park system with us today."

Slurp tilted his head and licked her face.


I think something like would work nicely. It'd circle back to the cougar they spotted and give it another reason to have been mentioned in the story rather than just being a fleeting throw-away moment. It also highlights the growing change in Katherine's opinion of Slurp.

Another callback you could do is when the story ends with Katherine asking for a handkerchief. The teen could offer the handkerchief he used to wrap up his ankle. Katherine could politely decline and state she'll just take the success of the rescue even if it means being sealed with a kiss from Slurp. It nicely ties up everything and uses the title of your piece in the last line.



*Snow2*          *Swords*          *Snow4*          *Swords*          *Snow2*


Let your imagination run wild and set your creativity free.

We are the Free Folk.

We do not kneel.




DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed within this review are the sole product of the reviewer. They do not necessarily reflect those of the group, activity and/or event in which they are affiliated. Any implementation of suggested edits is at the sole discretion of the piece's writer; they may be used when and where deemed necessary by the writer of the piece and/or disregarded in their entirety. The reviewer releases any and all rights and/or claims to those suggestive edits should they be utilized by the writer of the piece.


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