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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4740586
Review #4740586
Viewing a review of:
 Ride with me Open in new Window. [13+]
Love story about a Roman charioteer and a senator's daughter
by LightinMind Author Icon
Review of Ride with me  Open in new Window.
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello LightinMind,

my name is Tiggy and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.


*PenB* First Impression:

Ah, that was an unusual sport! Not one I know a lot about, I have to admit, apart from what I learned from the movie ‘Ben Hur’, but it didn’t matter because you explained what was going on very well and I didn’t have any problems following it. The love story between the famous charioteer and the senator’s daughter was ill fated from the start - you set the scene well and showed early on that Gaius wasn’t even accepted at the senator’s party so would never be suitable for his daughter. Part of me had hoped that there would be a happy ending for them and that they would ride together into the sunset, and I suppose they did, in a way, but it wasn’t the ending I had wanted for them.


*PenG* Suggestions:

I noticed a couple of missing commas but apart from that, the story was very polished.

what are you reading my lady?
I believe you need a comma after “reading” to set off the direct address.

The Red Team was brutal eliminating all his opponents
I think there should be a comma after “brutal”.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I liked how the unlikely couple met and got to know and like each other when it would seem that they wouldn’t have a lot in common. And the chariot race was nicely written, even if Gaius did cheat a little to win. A good story!




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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/09/2024 @ 1:51am EDT
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