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Review #4735780
Viewing a review of:
 Darksome Open in new Window. [E]
An encounter in the forest will change Melbus's life forever...
by C. R. Leverette Author Icon
Review of Darksome  Open in new Window.
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

This seems to be part of a longer story. You might not have written it yet but it seems you have given this world a lot of thought. There were some details that clearly meant more than this short story showed, like the medallion and its power, and the Saturos which was only mentioned but not really explained. In answer to your question: Yes, I think you should continue this. You have a very interesting beginning but it leaves the readers with a lot of questions.

I loved the first part of the story, in the forest, when Melbus was running away and then battled the demon with the help of the medallion. The descriptions were excellent and I could clearly imagine the scenes, for example the part where he was running, getting tangled in his robe and the tree roots - a very good image. The battle and everything leading up to it was well done. After we left Melbus passed out on the forest floor, it got a bit more confusing. The intent of the king didn’t seem very clear, nor who exactly Dekarrd was. It was a great teaser because I would like to read more.


*PenG* Suggestions:

You’ve clearly taken great care with this piece and it was all very polished. There were a few small errors you might want to look at if you wanted to continue this story:

and fell flat on his face. He lay flat for a moment
Not an error as such but the repetition of “flat” was quite noticeable here.

the mightiest of dieties
“deities”?

wind swept throught the forest
“through”

My question was what can you do about it?
I think this sentence either needs a comma after “was” or you could reword it: My question was what you can do about it?


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I enjoyed this story and I thought it was a good hook. There were some great characters here and it would be interesting to find out where their story would go. And it seems like you have already done a lot of the work, at least in your head, in building this world, so I think you should continue writing it.




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