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Review #4732783
Viewing a review of:
 Attempting   [E]
Eight line poem
by Sumojo
Review of Attempting  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
An Angel Army Review


Hi Sumojo .

I'm Polter-JACE: Cruising ... , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Attempting " .

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. It's an interesting premise--writing a poem in 60 seconds. So I wonder, did you actually complete your task? I see nothing that says you did ... or did not.

I like your a-b-a-b rhyme pattern. Great job weaving that in your short creation period.

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* The syllable count is not the best for this line, adding extra syllables with the word "Okay." I think Okay should be deleted.  Okay, I’ll struggle to formulate a plan,  

         *Bullet* Once again, adding the word "But" adds a ninth syllable, which interrupted my reading flow.   But I plan to show you that I can  

*Star* My Rating.  4.5. 

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4732783