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Review #4732640
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Review by JACE Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (3.5)
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An Angel Army Review


Hi flamingrose09.

I'm JACE Author Icon, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., which I found on the Read & Review feature.

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. I like your story premise. Reliving a past joy, even if only in one's mind, is one thing that can keep us going.

Yours is a very descriptive offering. To my mind, it's almost too descriptive. I felt like I was wading through a plethora of adjectives, which makes reading difficult ... at least for me. You need lines with less descriptive moments to help move your story along.

I do wonder about a couple of things: First, why use the term Serial on your rating line. Second, your Item Description (a past forbidden fantasy) didn't seem to be a apt description of your story. I may have missed it, but I didn't get the 'forbidden' part.

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Your following sentence was very long and awkward to read. A suggestion follows:

 As time passes you kiss me deeper and deeper with more rigour passion, want and need that I release a moan into your mouth which fuels your hunger for me even more.

 Time passes slowly as you kiss me deeper and deeper. Your want and need ignites your passion. I moan with your kiss, fueling your hunger for me even more.

         *Bullet* You break your point of view in your final paragraph. You refer to your partners as "you" throughout, but change it to "he" in that last paragraph.    

*Star* My Rating.  3.5.  You have an above average offering that needs further editing to be great.

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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