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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4732632
Review #4732632
Viewing a review of:
 Tobias' Day Off Open in new Window. [ASR]
Written for Writers Cramp 10/18/17
by Mummsy Author Icon
Review of Tobias' Day Off  Open in new Window.
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

I’m having a day off as well so it seemed quite fitting that I picked this story to review. My day isn’t anywhere near as eventful as Tobias’ *Laugh*

I loved how you didn’t reveal Tobias’ identity until the end. At first, I had a Harry Potter image in my head, a ‘normal’ student at a magic school who enjoys an unexpected day off. There was nothing to suggest early on that he was anything different. In fact, there was no hint of anything out of the ordinary as you described the scene, what he could see and what he could smell, and small details that made the reader feel they were there. I also felt that I got to know Tobias pretty well through what he observed and how he observed it.

There were some great descriptions, like this one: He finished it quickly, flinging the core out into the air, to watch it arc and fall, disappearing long before it hit the water far below. A very effective way of saying that he was very high up - one of those lines I wish I had written.


*PenG* Suggestions:

The story was very polished and I only noticed one, small error. I don’t know if you are still interested in suggestions but just in case:

The blemished apple he he’d purchased earlier..
he had purchased


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

It turned out that I was wrong about knowing a little about Tobias. I knew nothing, and the twist was nicely done and worked very well. Again, the descriptions were great but you also managed to weave a lot of his backstory into it that explained why he had chosen to spend his day off in this way.

Overall, I thought this was a great story and I’m glad I came across it!




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