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Review #4726900
Viewing a review of:
 PrepMo 2020 Day 10 Antagonist Backstory  [13+]
Getting to know Gary Archer - my antagonist for Manicotti and Murder
by Beck Firing back up!
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
An Angel Army Review


Hi Beck Firing back up! . Good morning. I found your offering in the Read & Review section.

I'm Polter-JACE: Cruising ... , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "PrepMo 2020 Day 10 Antagonist Backstory" .

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. Just to be clear, I'm reading your piece as if you are writing a character synopsis for your story. You are creating this person, bringing him to life, as it were.

Under that assumption I have a couple issues with your characterization. Several times you use phrases or qualitative words like "I think" or "probably" when describing some aspect of Gary. If this is your character, shouldn't you know all about what makes Gary tick? If you're writing about someone else's synopsis, state that up front.

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Assuming you want readers of both this item and your novel, may I suggest double-spacing your paragraphs? While this may be good for an actual book, reading from a screen is easier with some extra white space.    

         *Bullet*  The following sentence is awkward to read as written. Try reading it out loud and I believe you'll easily hear the problem. A suggestion follows:  One of those women, Rita Smith, he would eventually marry.  He would eventually marry one of those women, Rita Smith.

         *Bullet*  There are other similar examples.

*Star* My Rating.  3.5.  I think you have a good start, but need to tighten up your editing.

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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