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Review #4726881
Viewing a review of:
 Final Prey Open in new Window. [13+]
A dollar store employee meets a deadly stranger.
by the.shay1 Author Icon
Review of Final Prey  Open in new Window.
Review by JACE Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
An Angel Army Review


Hi the.shay1 Author Icon. Good morning. I found your offering in the Read & Review section.

I'm JACE Author Icon, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Final Prey" Open in new Window..

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. First, great title. I was intrigued by it; that's why I started reading. May I suggest you change the word "deadly" in your item description to "dark" so as not to give anything away before your suspense builds.

You do a good job describing Jim's rather pathetic existence. I suspect a lot of folks feel the same, identifying with the same day in, day out life.

I did find some of your phrasing to be awkward to read. For example: the phone began to emit audio. Try instead: the phone began to sing.

I have some unanswered issues. How would the young girl get such a recording? Making the stranger taller than Jim seemed at odds with a young girl. I know girls can be taller than guys ... but it seemed odd in this situation.

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet*  May I suggest you read your story out loud while editing. You can hear problems with your grammar easier that by just reading silently to yourself. I know when I just read, I tend to skip words, thereby missing the very things I need to edit.    

*Star* My Rating.  4.0. 

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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