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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4723268
Review #4723268
Viewing a review of:
 A beat of blood  [E]
A haiku for the drumming
by Tones
Review of A beat of blood  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello Tones,

"A beat of blood" presents a unique take on the traditional haiku form, deviating from the conventional 5-7-5 syllable structure. I’ve explored the poem’s elements that make this piece distinctive and how the departure from the traditional form impacts the conveyance offered.

The opening line, "I woke last night to the sound," sets the stage with a sense of awakening and awareness. The use of the first-person perspective immediately draws the reader into a personal experience. The word "sound" is open-ended, inviting curiosity about what is to come. This line establishes a contemplative mood, prompting readers to delve into the auditory experience described.

The second line, "of the drum in me," introduces a metaphorical layer to the haiku. The drum, often associated with rhythm and heartbeat, becomes a symbolic representation of something internal. This metaphor suggests an intimate connection between the speaker and the rhythmic essence within them. The choice of "in me" implies an introspective exploration, inviting readers to reflect on the nature of the internal drum.

The title, "A beat of blood," aligns seamlessly with the thematic elements of the haiku. The imagery of blood introduces a visceral and evocative element, enhancing the emotional impact of the poem. This connection between the drum and blood deepens the metaphor, suggesting a profound and life-sustaining rhythm within the speaker.

The third line, "Bloody, broken, it beat," maintains its vivid and evocative conclusion. The use of "Bloody, broken" adds a layer of intensity and vulnerability to the haiku. The juxtaposition of these descriptors with "it beat" creates a poignant contrast, emphasizing the persistence of the internal drum despite its apparent fragility.

The departure from the traditional syllable structure remains a bold choice that adds a layer of experimentation to the haiku. Almost inverted, this structure creates a sense of irregularity and disruption, aligning with the theme of brokenness. I noted something that may have been designed to enhance the intentional departure from convention. You took an extra beat. An extra space before the end line word ‘beat’’ was a visual demonstration of throwing this off its axis, just a little more. If intended, very subtle and tactile move that drew the attention of this reader.

Your haiku offers a thought-provoking exploration of internal struggle and resilience. The title enhances the poem’s thematic resonance, and the departure from the traditional structure contributes to something with a unique identity, emphasizing its experimental nature. A worthwhile endeavor that broadens perspective for this poetry consumer.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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