\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4722057
Review #4722057
Viewing a review of:
 First Days  Open in new Window. [E]
Do you reminisce upon your first days and wonder what could have been different?
by Ash Author Icon
Review of First Days  Open in new Window.
Review by JACE Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A WDC Power Review


Hi Ash Author Icon.

I'm JACE Author Icon, and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "First Days " Open in new Window..

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. I suspect everyone has that one day, the first day of a significant event on one's life. I certainly do. Your description of your feelings is intensely personal, and something no one else can experience.

That said, may I suggest you re-read your offering out loud. While these are your experiences, you can still tighten up your phrasing making your writing stronger. You can hear problem areas before seeing them when re-reading to edit your work. I'll note a few areas below. There may be more areas of concern but I'll leave them for you to correct.

Your Afterword might be better placed as a separate static item. For me it distracted me from your story.

Finally, a word of advice (just like your Grandpa gave). Whether in dance, or writing, only you have the power to succeed or fail. Remember that any review is just one person's opinion at that particular time. Take what they give ... or leave it.

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet* Be concise in your writing. Try never to place two (or more) adverbs in the same sentence. It's redundant.  ... never fully knowing exactly what to expect.  ... never fully knowing what to expect.

         *Bullet* As written, this is a sentence fragment.  Feeling ecstatic one moment, heart pumping in excitement and a huge smile from ear to ear.  One moment you're ecstatic with heart pumping in excitement and a huge smile from ear to ear.

         *Bullet* Another sentence fragment.   Barely smiling or having a pleasant facial expression. I barely smiled, having no facial expression.

*Star* My Rating.  3.5.  An above average piece that with a little work can be great.

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

** Image ID #1386062 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4722057