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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4722024
Review #4722024
Viewing a review of:
 Contest Entries  [13+]
Most entries are going to be E rated but some may go beyond that.
by Sticky Draconic Vampire saysHH
         Review for entry/chapter: "Beyond the portal Chapter One
Review of Contest Entries  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Reading* Hey Sticky Draconic Vampire saysHH This is a review for "Beyond the portal Chapter One for completing all seven years at "The Contest Challenge! Congratulations!! *Delight*
I enjoyed your story. It's really cute and creative. It made me root for them to battle and win against the evil ones locking away the town in chains, and turning many creatures into monsters.

*Balloon2*
Title and Description - Beyond the portal is a fabulous title. Since it's a book entry, there's not a description. But the title did hook my interest, and made me want to read on. *Smile*

*Flower1*
Characters - Your characters are nicely created. Your story makes sure we get to know the main characters' personalities fully. Even in the first chapter. I found the characters relatable and believable. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

*Balloon4*
Setting - You did a good job on the setting. As I read along, I was easily able to envision their setting, and what lay around them.

*Flower3*
What I like about your piece - I loved the creativity of your creatures. I also liked how she stumbled through the portal, after always imagining portals. It was like she had a psychic connection to who she truly was.

*Balloon4*
Suggestions - I do have a few suggestions below. Please remember these are just my thoughts and opinions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Penw*My name was Zakia

Since this is only the first chapter, I'm not sure if she ends up dying in the end. If she does, leave it as is. If not, the word, 'was' should be 'is'. *Smile*


*Bookstack2* already driving for


already driving to


*Penv* In my backyard I ran,


After 'backyard' insert a comma. Delete the comma after 'ran'.


*Books1* In the garden I found


In the garden, I found


*Peng* Once past the prairie I couldn't continue farther, so I sped up.


Once past the prairie,

If you can't continue any farther, how can you speed up? I didn't quite understand that.

*Bookstack3* laid my hand to the ground,


laid my hand on...


*Penbl* face to face of what


face-to-face with what


*BookOpen* But then I would need to get home soon so that my parents won't find out that I'm gone.


...my parents wouldn't find out that I was gone.


*Penb* she had pop something into her mouth.


she had popped...


*Bookstack3* full grown. Trees were encouraged to prevent erosion. That I believed and daddy


full-grown. ....and Daddy


*Peny* then knelt
down behind a bush.

*Bookopen* couple peepholes


couple of peepholes


*Penv* arguing to a shadow.


arguing with a shadow.


*Books4* signalled to keep quiet.


signaled to keep quiet.


*Peng* the bushes for while longer.


the bushes for a while longer.


*Books1* pay back for what he had done.


payback for what he has done.


*Penr* shape shifters


shapeshifters


*Bookstack* for so long I lost track


for so long that I lost track


*Penp* mind control


mind-control


*Books4* We soon creeped around


We soon crept around


*Peno* medium sized


medium-sized


*Bookstack2* With that
, we moved

*Penbl* forest and then his in bushes

{/
forest and then hid...


*Books2* We could hear men and woman


...hear men and women


*Penw* other food bags won't be taken.


....wouldn't be taken.


*Books5* I grabbed meat


I grabbed the meat


*Penr* looking at fog. Fog


looking at fog. The fog


*Bookstack* And still
, they ate all the meat.

*Penv* Three hills


It has three hills


*Books6* Shukulas remains hidden.


....remain hidden.


*Bookopen* Next I was recognizing to prepare for the largest eggs to hatch.

Next, I realized the largest eggs were going to hatch. -OR-

Next, I prepared for the largest eggs to hatch.

*Peng* "Only Ashediped are able to impress them.


"Only Ashediped can impress them.


*Books1* Now i was a dragon hybrid.


Now I was...


*Quill* we need to train them, don't we.


...don't we?


*Notepad* a marble for them.


a marble to them.


*Pencil* less likely they will to hold it.


...will be to hold it.


*Notepady* In a world of magic
, I

*Books2* in their building


in their buildings.


*Tack* She assured that


She assured me that


*Bookstack2* He held the lowliest rank of shape shifters who often chose those that were very educated.


He held the lowest rank of shapeshifters, who often chose those who were highly educated.


*Quill* walls at my own ease. Mom and dad


walls at my ease. Mom and Dad


*Tackb* It maybe too late to go back. However, we shouldn't fight for just ourselves. We should fight for the others too. Those dwarves looked miserable and wanting to cry.


It may be.... fight for others too. ...and wanted to cry.


*Pencil* determination in her face. I couldn't


determination on her face. I wouldn't


*Notepad* Think it's night time


...nighttime

*Penp* except news travel
s


*Reading* I enjoyed reading your story! You have such a fabulous, creative idea for a book! You were able to pack so much into chapter 1. Your characters are unique, well-rounded, and memorable. I'm excited to see the direction you take this magical story! *Delight*

*Heart* Tracey

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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4722024