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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4717794
Review #4717794
Viewing a review of:
 Fingers of Betrayal  [18+]
Suspense story I've worked on for years. Needs lots of work. This is only the beginning.
by Skurpio
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Dear Skurpio ,

"Fingers of Betrayal" begins with a gripping and mysterious hook, immersing the reader in an intriguing scenario. The opening scene raises several questions: Who is the protagonist, and what has happened to him? The vivid descriptions, such as the cloying odor and the rat with its morbid prize, create a sense of dread and unease.

The structure of the story "Fingers of Betrayal"  is engaging, with well-defined sections that introduce different perspectives and characters. It appears to be setting up a complex narrative with multiple storylines and viewpoints.

The story elements are rich in detail and imagery, which adds depth to the narrative. The use of sensory details like the scent of human waste and the oppressive heat can help immerse a reader into the environment you’ve created. The mysterious finger in the rat's possession adds an element of suspense and intrigue.

The characters are introduced effectively, with distinct personalities and voices. Shannon's frustration and Steve's light-hearted banter come through clearly, making them relatable.

The dialogue is realistic and serves to reveal character traits and relationships. It provides insight into the dynamics between the characters, particularly Shannon and Steve.

The story's clarity is generally good, but there are a few areas where the transitions between scenes and perspectives could be smoother. The narrative shifts from the protagonist's grim situation to Shannon and Steve's conversation, and then to other characters, which may need clearer connections or transitions to avoid confusion.

It's difficult to predict where the story is headed based on this opening, but it seems to be setting up a mystery or a series of interconnected events involving the characters. To keep moving forward, you could focus on maintaining consistency in tone and style throughout the narrative and work on the transitions between scenes. Additionally, it would be beneficial to provide more context and hints about the central mystery or conflict to intrigue your readership further.

I found "Fingers of Betrayal" to have a promising start with engaging characters and a mysterious premise. With some refinement and careful structuring, it has the potential to captivate readers as it unfolds.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Angel Army

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