Hello Critical Mass,

I just took a look at your item. And now will review it. I don't always read the longer ones unless it's got my attention and I just can't stop myself because it's got me hooked. I must read more to see what happens next. Yours did that, regardless of areas which I felt needed a little editing.

Kindly keep in mind that these are only my suggestions. It's up to you how you wish your story to read. Feel free to use them if you wish, and disregard what's not working for you.

I would reword and combine these two sentences as you used the words 'the storm' twice.
Here's your version:
The storm had started without warning that night and increased quickly in ferocity. The storm formed and built in strength over Lake Ontario.


The storm over Lake Ontario had started without much warning that night. It had formed, and increased in strength.

* Less words more concise. Maybe something like that. You also might add a few signs of concern in the driver's eyes, or the way he leans forward. You want the tension to build slowly, but also show the beginnings of stress without actually saying it.

* Liked: this sentence below explains that this type of weather is pretty much the norm. It helps that we know where this driver is at. Good job.
This is one of Upstate New York’s Lake effect snowstorm

Here I'd start the new paragraph and add the comma as shown below:
The gears of the 18-wheeler whined like a creature with a mortal wound, as the big truck crept its way to the top of the hill.

* Later on your descriptions of the truck noises are vivid. I can imagine it. That too builds the tension. Bodily changes, sweat, the wiping of a brow, white knuckling the steering wheel, maybe muscles threatening to knot up into cramps. cold sweats. Etc.

*Nice imagery
Below I will add or x out what I think this needs. Also go ahead and use I, my, sentences rather than 'the driver'. Pretend you're telling your friend what happened to you. :

He could feel The muscles in my shoulders and neck felt like twisted, knotted bands of steel.

Show the tension rather than tell.

Why not use first person? Words such as I. It makes it close up and feel even more real. Later on, you mentioned how you ended up with this job, yet we didn't know at first.

When you have the person or character thinking or remembering, usually writers use italics. This is how you do it.
{I}I‘m gonna die!{/I}

It will look like this:
I‘m gonna die!

There are a few places where you need commas. Best thing to do is read it out loud like you normally speak. Whenever you briefly pause us where you put a comma.

Also you need to break this up into more paragraphs.

You can indicate a change of time or place by adding two line spaces after the previous paragraph.

Overall you did a good job. I definitely could identify with the fear and white knuckling it. I wrote a true story about a white out on the highway between Wellington, Colorado and Cheyenne, Wyoming. Believe me. I was saying my prayers, all while trying to keep my wits and reassure my passengers.

I'll add a link to it below, if you'd like to take a look.

You're doing well for just posting your first story. Keep at it. You really do have a gift.

STATIC

White Out, Cheyenne, Wyoming  (13+) A fictionalized scary real life experience. #1961599 by ~HarvestSilverMoon~

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .