You are receiving this review of "The Devil Went Down to Midtown"  through services provided by "ProseChef: Gourmet Reviews" , the place to receive honest, insightful, and constructive reviews! All suggestions given are made from an analytic and creative perspective in an attempt to help you improve your piece. Please note that this review is only an offering of feedback from my individual reading experience and any suggestions made are in reflection of that sole experience. Please feel free to implement any suggestions you find helpful when and where you're inspired to do so and disregard the rest. It's important that you keep true to your voice, your vision, and the essence of your original work.

Thank you for this opportunity to give you my suggestions, feedback, and commentary during my reading experience.

With disclaimers aside, sit back and unfold the napkin onto your lap. Your work is on the menu, so let’s dig in! Together we will find the recipe to success!




I think you've been rather creative with the title! It sets the tone and the scene quite nicely. Just from the title alone I caught a glimpse of what I could expect: comedy, the devil, and some trickery afoot. As a play on the popular hit song The Devil Went Down to Georgia by the Charlie Daniels Band, I went into this piece with my ears filled the screaming of fiddles and the expectation of a fun time. It stirred up memories of my childhood when my parents would rock out to the song and that made me smile. It's always a powerful thing when a piece of writing can mentally transport you to your past and your own experiences.

This piece contains footnotes which were helpful in understanding some of the context. It's also of note that this piece was written for a flash challenge and as such, was limited in its word count when first crafted. With that being said, this piece is delivered in a very creative manner. Even though it's short in word count, I wouldn't classify this as a vignette as it contains a clear beginning (the initial conversation and scene introduction), a middle (the offer of a trade), stakes (remittance of a soul upon death), an ending (the twist), and a falling action (consequences of office work gone awry).

I found the twist and the ending both cute and funny. Great job with the setup so that we could entertain and enjoy the payoff at the end. I was also found your take on the Devil to be refreshing and a nice comedic device. I found his characterization—based in liturgy and comedy—to be especially funny. He's the manager of Hell and is susceptible to the same things as his temporal counterparts: binding contracts with loopholes, the ineptitude of others, the consequences of oversight from rushed work, and office blunders.

The only part of the piece that I had even a slight indifference to was the invalidation of my own assumption that the narrative would more closely align with the content of the song the title is referencing; in that, I was expecting there to be a challenge of sorts between Ronnie (a play of Johnny) and the Devil. However, I think the misidentification of Ronnie and his revelation as an SDA and the Devil's immediate shock and embarrassment are a nice conventional twist on that expectation.

Overall, this piece was a fun and short read! I was along for the ride and it certainly didn't disappoint!

As I dive into this piece and offer suggestions and commentary, please keep in mind that my suggestions and comments are not made with the intent to adhere to the word count restriction this piece was initially written to abide. Instead, they are offered only with the impact I believe such tweaks and changes could have to the overall improvement and refinement of this piece in a post-challenge revision.






“Nice digs,” Ronnie muttered.

There's nothing inherently incorrect with this opening line. This suggestion is stylistic/aesthetic in nature. I always try to avoid opening a piece with dialogue because the characters haven't been established and the reader doesn't have an association or grounding with any of the players in the narrative yet. It can be disjointing and the reader may not necessarily care about/pay attention to what is being said or have the same reaction to what is being said until character introductions have happened. I am quite guilty of this myself as the manner in which I write is more akin to writing a screenplay—dialogue always comes to me first and then I go back in and fill in the scene with bits of prose. I'd suggest grounding the scene before letting your character(s) speak. Additionally, when Ronnie does speak, I'd limit the dialogue tags to said/asked and rely upon character actions and prose to modify the tag.

Ronnie tapped his foot and swallowed hard as the numbers on the floor indicator ticked higher and higher, all the way up to the Penthouse Suite. With a ding, the elevator doors slid open and he stepped out.

"Wow," Ronnie said through tight lips. "Nice digs."





The luxuriously-appointed penthouse [. . .] dumpsters and a dingy alley.

I'd replace the adverbial phrase with more appropriate word choices. It'll enhance the scene and strengthen your prose. What is luxuriously-appointed? What amenities give a space a luxurious quality?

Ronnie stood in front of a wall made of floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Central Park. The scenery was a definite upgrade from the views of overflowing dumpsters and dingy alleyways he had from his basement apartment.





“You like it?” The Devil replied. “It’s yours.”

Dialogue tag replacement and slight tweaking of dialogue just to make it sound more natural as spoken word.

"So, waddaya think? Like it?" The Devil asked, stuffing his hands inside the pockets of suit pants. He came to stand next to Ronnie. "It can all be yours, just say the word."





“Could you repeat that, please?”

I'd add some character action and rephrase the dialogue here to sound more natural.

Ronnie turned his head, his eyebrows kinked. "Come/Say again?"





“The apartment’s yours. [. ..] I’ll put in a good word.”

I think this exchange would work better/sound better or more realistic if you broke it up into smaller chunks. It'd add some characterization to the Devil through indication of vocal inflection, word choice, and sentence structure when he speaks. A bit of personality, I suppose.

"The apartment," The Devil said walking into the middle of the room and twirled, arms outstretched. "It's yours."

Ronnie turned. The Devil strode back to him and pointed.

"I'll even throw in an eight-figure job so you can enjoy the lifestyle a place like this calls for." The Devil placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "And did I mention there's a very flexible dancer living right next door in 12B? I can put in a good word."





“Isn’t the better question [. . .] offering it to you.”

Same commentary as above. Add characterization and distinction through character action, interaction, and phrasing of sentence structure.

"C'mon, Ronnie! Why not you, man?" The Devil gave him a playful punch to the shoulder. He turned back toward the views of Central Park. "Why hasn't God provided you with all of this already? You're a good guy. And you deserve everything you've always wanted."

Ronnie chewed the inside of his cheek. The Devil faced him again, a smile brightening his dark features.

"I'm simply standing here, offering it to you. So I ask again, why not you?"





“Deal,” Ronnie said with zero hesitation.

More dialogue aestheticism.

"Okay," Ronnie said without hesitation. "Alright, deal."





Once Ronnie signed, the Devil laughed evilly.

Adverb replacement.

With the ink on the contract still wet, the Devil cackled and howled. Another soul!





Ronnie shrugged. “Fine with me. I’m a Seventh-Day Adventist."

I'd heighten the gag and reveal a bit.

The Devil jumped and clicked his heels. He strutted to the elevator, hips swaying and head held high.

Before the doors closed, Ronnie said, "Just so you know, I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist."

“Since when?”

“Since ... always?”

“You’re Ronald M. Jackson from Spokane, right?”

“I’m Ronald W. Jackson from Spokane. But ... we signed a contract so I still get all this stuff, right?”

I'd suggest combining the Devil's lines to sound more poignant and have better word economy. I also recommend tidying up the last bit of Ronnie's dialogue to further emphasis his deliberateness and cunning at pulling one over on the Devil.

"Since when is Ronald M. Jackson from Spokane an Adventist?"

"Oh," Ronnie smiled. "I'm Ronald W. Jackson. From Spokane. Agnostic. But the contract's signed, right? So, uh, thanks for stopping by. You can leave my apartment now. Oh, and before you leave the building . . . how about that good word with the dancer in 12B?"

Ronnie winked as the elevator doors shut.


Section Rating: 4






This was a really fun read! I could fully imagine the scene happening and the character interactions. It was an effortless setup with a nice twist at the end! I was waiting for the payoff and you delivered. It certainly makes me feel bad for whoever mixed up the M and the W; probably some poor sap who's overworked and underpaid. But, it can happen to the best of us! I've certainly made my fair share of typos and alike-letter swapping.


Section Rating: 5






Because of the nature of the challenge this piece was written for, action had to move rather quickly. I think the scene you chose to explore and the way in which you went about that exploration was excellent. You were able to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Rather impressive! You would think that the shorter a piece is, the easier it is to write. However, in my experience, the exact opposite is true. When you're limited in your word count, it makes you really hone in and choose each word carefully.

I believe the voice in the piece would be better enhanced through some of my suggestive edits; they add more character and personality to the narrative. As the prose stands now, it comes across as stifled or stiff in some places. Fully embrace the silly and let it shine in all avenues of the piece.


Section Rating: 4.5






I see Ronnie as a smart and clever guy. I think it's great that he's initially shown as somewhat shy, unsure of himself, and even apprehensive. And in the end, the reader finds out that Ronnie knows exactly what he's doing and out-deviled the Devil. So, I guess in a sense, there was a challenge made after all: who was better at being cunning and slick.

The Devil felt a little stiff to me. He should ooze with charisma and charm, especially since he's enticing people to sell/trade their souls. I picture him in this piece as being the embodiment of every sleazy used-car salesman I've come across mixed with a door-to-door salesman that's trying to sell you something you know you don't need but you can't stop listening to the pitch.


Section Rating: 4






The apartment is a great setting. I think you could better utilize it as a prop or character in and of itself. Same with the elevator. You can toy with both to further accentuate and enhance the dialogue and character action as I've attempted to show in my suggestive edits.


Section Rating: 4







You've got the bones of some nice back-and-forth interactions between the Devil and Ronnie. As I've done in my suggestive edits, I'd recommend you tinker around with the dialogue and explore the individual voices of Ronnie and the Devil so they both sound distinct and not so formulaic and flat. The Devil sounds a bit too formal.


Section Rating: 4





This rating is a reflection of careful and thoughtful analysis. I divided my commentary and suggestions into focused, individualized sections. Each section was rated on a scale of 1-5 dependent on criteria (shown in the link below) specific to that section. At the very end, the average of all sections was calculated. That average became my overall rating for the piece.

I don't particularly enjoy giving a piece of writing a rating because it feels like grading. And most writing in our community are works in progress and I don't like to assign "grades" to unfinished projects. However, when required to give a rating with a review, I believe my approach in calculating that overall rating is balanced and fair.

For a breakdown of my rating methodology, please see: "You Gave Me How Many Stars?" 

The score from all sections was 25.5. This equates to an average of 4.25 per section which I will round up to a 4.5.

You responded to this review 09/30/2023 @ 1:00am EDT

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