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Review #4711909
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The Wallet  [E]
Returning from Chicago, an exhausted Victoria stops for breakfast.
by tracker
Review of The Wallet  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A story with a happy ending! And I thought chivalry was dead. I've just come from a tale that ended in cannibalism so it's doubly a relief to me.

It's a quiet, comforting tale until the discovery that the wallet's a bit lighter than it should be. Beware handsome strangers in ten-gallon hats! But all turns out well, thanks to the waitress having so similar a history as Victoria's.

To be honest, I think the story needs a little more pzazz to really make the charts. Note that there's very little dislogue in the tale - while not essential, a bit more dialogue could draw the reader into the tale and make the ending more of a relief. Take our friend, the trucker, for instance. We hardly know him and it's not much of a surprise when he turns out to be a pickpocket. Give us more of their conversation in the diner and perhaps even spice it up a bit by allowing Victoria to become a bit enamoured of him through their chat. Then it becomes quite a shock that he stoops so low as to steal her remaining cash.

There were also two minor quibbles I noticed as I was reading. You say "The sun was up for hours when she woke." This makes me wonder how she knew the sun had so much to do. I would express it by saying "The sun had been up for hours when she woke."

And then there's this: "Returning to her bright blue Subaru..." She's been in the car for hours and only now do we learn that it's a bright blue Subaru (ooh, a rhyme). It doesn't really matter at this stage, especially as Victoria is in a panic about her lost cash. It's the kind of detail that needs to be mentioned at the beginning of the journey, if at all.

You write very well with very few errors of grammar or expression, establishing a pleasant flow throughout the journey, and including just sufficient description to give us a sense of place. With a little polishing, this could be an excellent example of tight and expressive writing.

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Beholden


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