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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4711901
Review #4711901
Viewing a review of:
 
The Wallet  [E]
Returning from Chicago, an exhausted Victoria stops for breakfast.
by tracker
Review of The Wallet  
Review by Lornda
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, tracker !


*Bullet* I've had your item saved for a while, so I'm glad I could take the opportunity to visit you during the SuperPower member-to-member raid! I can't remember where I saw your story but there were certain points you wanted the reviewer to comment on, so I'll do my best for you. *Wink*

*Bullet* I enjoyed reading your personal experience, and by the time I was done, I was glad it worked out for Victoria with a nice person doing a good deed for her as she traveled. I liked how you described things a long the way, for instance, the cold air jarred her awake. gives a good visual of cold it was while walking back to the car. I also appreciated how the beginning was tied to the end. It showed the emotional side of the story. Nice! *Stary*

*Bullet* I have a few suggestions for your consideration, but in the end, it's totally up to you what you want to do. *Wink*

One of the things you wanted to know was Character Development. The main character is Victoria. The beginning goes into the strong relationship she had with her friend, Debbie. So there are some layers of her personality added to her character. We get to see the emotional bond she has with Debbie and how their relationship has grown over the years. I think for me, there was a lot of background information at the beginning, and I wanted to have a stronger beginning to hook me. It is important to flesh out the main character, but it's better if it's done in increments along the way and not in one block of information. To start a short story, try and hook us in with a strong first sentence and then slowly set-up the scene further with the character's background.

You also wanted to know about the flow of the story. I think some of this is covered above but I would also add to read it out loud. It's amazing what you can catch a long the way. I did have to stop reading a few times to connect some of the pieces and it just came down to word choice. I'll mention a few spots: charge card company sounds smoother by using credit card company. And, as she handed over the ticket. I had to think what the ticket was and then realized it was the 'bill' for the meal. Some little things like that need to be edited to improve the flow.

I picked up on the story structure and I thought it was great how you tied the beginning to the end. It made for a touching story. The only thing that was confusing was having the waitress have the same name as Victoria's friend. I thought that maybe I missed something and it jumped back in time. I then realized the waitress had the same type of a strong friendship with her friend as Victoria and Debbie, so that made for a nice way to end it off. Just by changing the waitress's name, though, it would tighten the story up. *Thumbsupl*


*Bullet* Overall, I did enjoy reading about the special relationship these two had and I liked all the details on how they bonded. I think it would be great to expand on the story now that the contest is closed. Give it the space to grow so the reader can feel the emotion of the two friend and perhaps include some dialog to show their emotional bond or some of the humor of their stories together. There's a bigger story hiding in there, I can feel it. *Bigsmile* Keep up the great work!

~Lornda


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/13/2023 @ 4:06pm EDT
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