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 Review #4711718 |
 | The Silent Night  [18+] What was meant to be a great celebration in the ocean, turned out to be a fatal one.  |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  And a happy anniversary from me too! I found this story by avoiding the many horse tales promised in your bio. Not really a fan of horses. But this is an excellent piece, well written and quite gripping. You describe the scene very clearly, the three friends fooling drunkenly on a raft and the lights of the party on shore. There's a hint of trouble brewing, however, as the antics on the raft get more daring. All handled expertly by you. The final comeuppance of the revels is quite shocking, in spite of the growing sense of unease, and this justifies your selection of HorrorScary as a genre. In fact, it had me wondering whether it went too far. Would a shark really be so hungry as to take two victims in so short a time? It seems awfully aggressive for a creature that tends to err on the side of caution when choosing its prey. But I suppose, if Steven Spielberg can get away with Jaws, you're entitled to the same leeway. It makes for such a scary adversary, too! There were some points that I think could be improved. You have a slight tendency to pile on the details to the point of superfluity. I've picked a few instances as examples: "we were able to carry on anyway we so desired without anyone judging us or telling us what to do" - it's really stating the same thing three times over. "all I can recall now are bits of my friend's scuffed elbows and knees flashing and bending in the starlight" as opposed to a later statement that "It was so dark we couldn't tell where the ocean ended" - kinda hard to believe that it was that dark but you could see that your friend's elbows and knees were scuffed. "to be invisible to all those we left behind under the lights on shore" - you've told us enough already about the party for it to be sufficient to say "...invisible to all those on shore." "were out about 100 feet from shore" and, later "the shore, only 100 yards away" - I think it should be one or the other. Finally, I'm not sure that the word "sinisterly" exists. Might be better to pick another word or rephrase the sentence. These are all easily mended points and you may well disagree with me. It's my opinion that they are distracting to a reader and the piece would be that much better without them. It remains a strong and gripping piece, however. Well done!    Beholden  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/14/2023 @ 5:17am EDT