Hi Mars!

It is certainly an impressive journey for you. Life has been tough and it continues so.

It takes a woman of grit to withstand the buffeting winds of life, which you have successfully delivered.
Congratulations!

My suggestions-

There are just two points I would like to make.

First, organize your material in its proper sequence. That gives the story clarity and effect.

It is good that you have divided the story into several paragraphs. Each para has a number of points, which you need to arrange in their order.

For example, you narrated two love stories of your mom. Bring in more clarity by avoiding minor details such as shown below,

Your paragraph-

"Towards the end of her draining stays at the hospital, around 17 or 18 years old, she laid a sheer curtain pull away from (my future tia S) an older lady. I can't speak for these details but all i know is my mom locked eyes with her nephew. A mid height, thinly built boy her age..."

My version-

Towards the end of her stay at the hospital, when she was 17 or 18 years old, my mom fell in love with an older lady's nephew. He was of her age, with brown eyes and of average height."

The same method applies to the other sections too.

Put in the important details and avoid asides and minor details like making a comment that is not relevant in that context.

You can mention them in another story if you want to.

The second important suggestion is language and punctuation.

I appreciate the fact that you have narrated your family story quite spontaneously trying to fit in all the details you are aware of.

It is easy to get out of control sometimes.

Punctuation like using capital I and not i.
"Im just exhausted sometimes."
(I'm)

The above glitch is found at several places in the narrative.

language-

"she wondered away ...)
(she wandered away ...)

If you could revise and edit the story, it makes impact on the readers.
You told a great story about your mom and your unconditional love for her.

Write on!






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .