*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4711235
Review #4711235
Viewing a review of:
The Silken Fan of Kaori  [E]
A tale of love, separation, and vengeance.
by Seuzz
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This is a little gem of a story in the style of a folktale. It is told with simple but powerful directness, with the action aided by description as vivid as a Japanese painting. When I began reading, I thought I might have trouble keeping track of the names but, after the first flush, there were no more additions and I experienced no problems in this area.

The great strength of the piece is its description, brief, carefully worded sentences that bring the reader into the scene with immediacy and clarity. The seasons, in particular, are kept track of in this way and are woven into the fabric of the story as a result. The whole impression is of a beautiful tale told with simple but accurate words.

There are a few minor flaws in the telling, however. At times the language strays from the logical path to leave the reader unsure of what is meant. For example, in the fifth paragraph, this occurs: "Twice a day they passed the ruined temple..." It is not clear who "they" are, since Karou and Taori have parted and Karou is supposedly with the marquis. This needs to be clarified.

Towards the end of the tale, we come across this statement: "...he laid on the altar the charred bone a self-immolating suicide." This is confusing and needs to be either "he lay on the altar, a charred bone of a self-immolating suicide" or "he laid on the altar the charred bone of a self-immolating suicide." The word "laid" can be either the past tense of the verb "to lie," meaning to lie down, or the past tense of the subtly different verb "to lay," which means either "to put down" or has something to do with eggs and is usually done by chickens. So Kaori either lay down on the altar or he put a charred bone on the altar. Both actions are impossible in reality for, to be charred, he must already be dead, but I'll allow the artistic licence required. But which action is meant should be sorted out.

Earlier in the same paragraph, this phrase occurs: "...laying not on the altar..." It should be, "...lying not on the altar..."

Finally, there is a worrying shift of POV (point of view) in paragraph six. Suddenly we are viewing things through the marquis' eyes. This continues for long enough for the reader to feel sympathy for his plight (being ugly and married to a woman who clearly does not care for him). It interferes with our view of Kaori and Tarou and causes us to withdraw our sympathies slightly. It may be better just to report the marquis' actions without explaining them.

I've spent some time on these minor issues but only because they are subtle and difficult to explain. In fact, they detract little from the beauty of this story and the excellence of its telling. It's just that fixing them would make the piece that tiny bit better.

It's a wonderful tale, regardless.

Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4711235