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Review #4710662
Viewing a review of:
 Farewell Open in new Window. [E]
A story of a professional baseball player and his experience of his last game.
by Dave Calvin Author Icon
Review of Farewell  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This is an excellent bit of writing. I love the language and the tone that fits exactly with the voice of a player retiring after all those years. Simple, straight, no-nonsense stuff - very authentic. The dialogue, too, is believable, having that authentic tone of people who know each other well.

The game itself is handled very well. I know nothing of baseball and the terms used, but it was all understandable, even so. The one thing I couldn't work out was a "change-up" but I don't think it mattered - I got the gist. Describing a sport without losing the reader in over-explanation or technical jargon isn't easy but you do it well. I don't think I could do a similar job with cricket!

What I do worry about is the description of the piece as a short story. My understanding of the term is that a story should have a twist, a denouement at the end, which this tale lacks. I don't think it's massively important but it would be better described as a vignette. That way, no one can complain that they were misled when looking for a story.

I also note that one of your announced genres is "Other." This doesn't pull in readers since it tells them nothing about the piece. Better to increase your potential readership by choosing a third genre (Cultural perhaps), no matter how tenuous the connection. Once people start reading, they don't really care what genre it is as long as they're captivated.

As a suggestion only, you could introduce a little more punch into the last line by changing it to something like, "Tomorrow I'm going to sleep for a week." It has a bit more expression than the existing statement.

As I say, however, it's a fine piece of writing. Well done.

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