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Review #4710529
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Angel&Witch



Hello there, JCosmos

This is a
GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama
Review! *Angelic*

I am also reviewing your item as a judge at "The Bard's Hall Contest"  Thank you for entering our August Sci-fi alternate reality contest! *Bigsmile*


Initial Thoughts:

Title invokes curiosity in the reader. I was anxious to see how this game vs reality would play out. *Cool*

Further Impressions:

Sam Adams was invited to become part of the virtual reality game in person. He was summoned by the AI Cosmos.

Potential for a great adventure lies in this story line. However, there were interruptions in the flow that seemed to slow down the pace as the reader has to be poring through some tedious introductions at the start of the story.

My observations are shown below.


Observations/Suggestions:

Extreme wordiness in the introduction.

It seems like a round about way to let the reader know that Cosmos AI hates humanity. I believe that and much of the story could have been tightened up quite a bit more.

Unfolding the story:

It would have been better to bring the readers into the virtual world. Let them know by the actions of the character and scenes so they are personally experiencing the game itself. Just mentioning certain parts, levels places there in does not fulfill the reader's curiosity. I wanted to feel a part of the game.

There is so much potential to this story. It is obvious to me your love of sci-fi and of the games comes through within this story. I think you have a brilliant, creative mind. *Idea*


Parting Thoughts:

A few things to remember, wordiness does not necessarily yield a great story. That which could be succinct as possible works well so long as essential issues relating to the the meat of the scenes and characters does not suffer. This is true especially when a word count is limited and you want to relate those parts pertinent to the contest rules, suggestions and key points to be highlighted for the reader.

I think as stated above, you have a wonderful creative mind in this genre. I understand the restrictions of word counts in contests. I know from experience how difficult it is to be able to flesh out the necessary parts and eliminate the weak descriptions that have no affect on the reader because the voice isn't active enough to draw a reader into the experience. I learned how to kill so many of my brilliant words finding out they were an unnecessary to the meat of the prompt of the contest by entering those with a 300 or 500 word limit.

Conclusion:

The good news!!! *PaintP*

This is a wonderful start to a potential novel. *Bigsmile* It would still need some tightening up as Stephen King suggest in his book On Writing.

AI Cosmos and Sam Adams could unfold chapter after chapter. *PenV*


I hope you are enjoying the festivities of WDC's 23rd birthday! *Party* I do look forward to your entering The Bard's Hall Contest in this month and thereafter. *Cool*


Until next time--write on!

Regards,
WebWitch *Witch*








*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/05/2023 @ 5:11pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4710529