*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4710453
Review #4710453
Viewing a review of:
 Summer Storms  [GC]
Two strangers get caught in a summer storm
by MidnightStalker
Review of Summer Storms  
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: GC | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~


Item Reviewed: "Summer Storms" 

Author: MidnightStalker

Reviewer: Bikerider }

I have reviewed this item as if it were my own, taking into consideration what I would want to know. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Please use this link to see how I rate an item."Comment-In-A-Box" 


Interesting story of a chance meeting that quickly becomes a hot attraction.

What I noticed that might benefit from your futher attention:

1. You spent a lot of the word count with descriptions. While description is very important to a story, with a limited word count in the Weekly Quicky, the description of the story world might be over done. See below.

2. The sex happens very quickly, and considering the characters just met in a field during a storm, it seems too quick, which makes the scene a little less than authentic.

3. The figure moved quicker, squinting he could see details, blonde hair, white top, khaki shorts, tanned arms, long legs. They started to run as the clouds reached the sun and the field turned to night. You begin the sentence with 'the figure,' but then beginning with the second sentence you say 'they.'
Again here:
Rain pounded parched earth, the sound like a stampede of thousands of invisible creatures streaking across the field. A curtain sweeping over the ground, winning the race against the figure, drenching them instantly. This is excellent description, but you say 'them' when referring to a single character.


The descriptions are good, and they should stay if you add to this story by giving the couple more time to know each other better, maybe go out after the storm, then the sex scene.

I like the way you described the rain, thunder, and the mud. All of that is realistic.

This is an excellent scene to introduce a couple meeting for the first time. It would be easy to plump this up into a longer story. If you do, please let me know and I'll review it again.

Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie and for sharing your writing.

Bikerider




This review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4710453