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Review #4710426
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Review by StephBee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (3.0)
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*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Sam decides to play a virtual reality game hosted by an AI called "Cosmos." Where it takes him is out of this world.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the imagination behind the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Sam. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

My constructive suggestion in this area would be to be mindful of dialogue tags. As written:

Cosmos said. (then there is a paragraph space) and Cosmos starts talking.

I would suggest: Cosmos stared at his audience, his expression stern. "Welcome..." I found a resource for writing dialogue tags that I found might be helpful: https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-use-dialogue-tags

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. My constructive suggestion in this area would be to put me in the scene with Sam. The best way to do that is touch on the 5 senses. How 'booming' is Cosmos' voice? Or is he soft spoken? Give me a succinct sentence that makes me I'm in a Buddhist temple with Sam.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: near future

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Sam

I wasn't sure of Sam's motivations. Did he join the journey to Sirius because he was in love? I would flesh this out a bit more.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Good use of WDC ML. The font size makes it easy to read for the reader, but I would tighten up the dialogue tags and spacing.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening piques the reader's interest, but I would be mindful of telling vs showing. Word count was not listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

Glowing Steph
   *CheckG* You last responded to this review 09/06/2023 @ 1:09pm EDT
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