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Review #4710336
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City Streets  [E]
Thought about my walks on the street. Oct 5th, 2014
by Blue Moon
Review of City Streets  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
I like the simplicity of this poem, its avoidance of the attempt to sound poetic, its straightforward statement of your feelings. Through the use of vivid imagery, you paint a picture that reveals real depth in your experience.

The first stanza is an excellent example of this. I've never heard or read of cars resembling the passing years in the way they recede from us and eventually disappear, but it's true. A genuinely original thought encapsulating something we all experience. And said in so few words - demonstrating not only the ability to see clearly but also to convey it in words.

The rhyming scheme chosen (abcb) is also unobtrusive and fitting to the subject. The rhymes are natural and unforced, hardly noticeable unless we're actively looking for them.

You have written a poem that is quite beautiful in the sentiments expressed and honestly stated in simple words that allow the reader to see through your observant eyes. That's about all a poem can be expected to do. Wonderful stuff.

I do have a problem with the third stanza, specifically these lines:

"The snow starts to fall in the night sky
They sparkle from lights on the street"

You've said "they sparkle" but who exactly are "they:? The snow is singular so I must presume you're referring to the snowflakes - but you should say so in that case. Something like "Snowflakes start to fall..." would fix the problem.

I also notice a gradual waning in the power of what you're saying as the poem continues to its end, as though you're fast running out of things to say. Don't be afraid of writing short poems. If you've said what needed to be said, there's nothing to be gained by making up stuff to complete it. Sometimes just the thought alone is sufficient.

And I see your chosen genres are Romance/Love and Other. Other just means that you couldn't be bothered thinking of another genre. But you should use all three options. By adding something, anything as long as its vaguely relevant, you extend the reach of the poem to audiences who are looking for things in other genres. For instance, you could add Experience and Personal to complete the genres section.

Your biography states that you don't read poetry. I suspect it's out of date because you certainly write poems! This is a beautiful example and you should keep writing.

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Beholden


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