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Review #4710030
Viewing a review of:
 The Day it all came Crashing  [E]
A story of a struggle of a day
by AJblurryface
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, AJblurryface . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "The Day it all came Crashing"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The day everything came crashing down. Includes an abusive mom and lots of tears.

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

This sounds authentic, is written in the first person and seems quite a harrowing experience. You communicated the emotions in a way the reader could connect to them. You were appalled, angry, and in despair.

I did not really understand the line "as my stomach became an ocean" and I am not sure how that communicates being appalled as the poem implies.

'Chills' communicated fear to me, fear that your whole world was falling apart and that things were happening that could not have been imagined previously. Though fear was not listed or really described here. The poem also communicates a sense of deep disturbance.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Capitalization is a little crazy in this poem:

Capitals can begin sentences but sometimes appear mid-sentence. Sometimes you use commas and full stops to separate and sometimes not - it all seems a little random. It might be easier to get rid of all capitals and punctuation or start each line with a capital and remove the punctuation.

The Day it all came Crashing. - Why are Day and Crashing capitalized here?

crashing - crashing down


Thanks for sharing.

2023 Quill Nominee

 
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