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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4709981
Review #4709981
Viewing a review of:
 Listen  [E]
Just listen
by Norman
Review of Listen  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Good advice and a cracking little poem. I particularly like the fact that you have kept the meter precise, although I must point out that it's a close run thing with the line "as they soar over land." It's only my opinion but I think it's slightly dodgy. The really strange thing is that, if you change the last two words to the word "overland" (quite legitimate in meaning but forcing a slightly different pronunciation), the meter fits better. You might want to change it - it's up to you.

The rhyming, too, is excellent, fitting perfectly with the rhythm and meaning of the poem and never appearing awkward or forced. It's an effective statement that saves its most powerful message for the very last. I actually like the device of adding an extra line beyond meter and rhyme to hammer home the point. It's an encouraging glimpse of the willingness to go outside boundaries when necessary.

A minor point is the word "lightening." In context, you mean "lightning," the electrical discharge from a storm cloud, whereas "lightening" means "getting brighter." Just requires a very quick edit.

Finally, I'd advise you to use all three available options under the Genres heading. Your poem is about more than Romance/Love, after all, and Other is quite meaningless. Add a couple of genres and you extend the poem's reach to search engines, Quill nominations and people looking within a greater range of genres.

In conclusion, I find this to be a simple but profound poem that is a joy to read. Well done!

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Beholden


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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4709981