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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4709690
Review #4709690
Viewing a review of:
 The note Open in new Window. [E]
A flash fiction piece about time.
by Eight-7 Author Icon
Review of The note  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This is quite moving. I didn't look at the description before I started reading, so I was unsure whether it was fiction or not. It makes a slight difference in that, if it's fiction it shows a considerable wealth of experience and wisdom in being able to imagine being in such a position.

Which is my way of saying that I'm impressed with the quality of your writing. You achieve exactly the right balance between bare facts and deep emotion, without wandering off into overstated and flowery expressions of feeling. Full explanations are not given, just those few vivid details that allow the reader to share in the experience.

The conversational tone is part of the effectiveness of your style. It bares the soul of the narrator in a voice that is totally believable and real. Masterfully done. Even the occasional grammatical error is a part of this - it's how we speak, after all. For instance, I could quibble about "Me and the kids will be by to see you..." by correcting it to "I and the kids will be by..." (just remove "the kids" and you'll see what I mean) but that would interfere with the authenticity of the piece.

I'm supposed to make suggestions for improvement but all I can think of is the pause the following gave me: "I’ve been going to church. Yeah, you’ve heard me right, I said church." Yes, it's the kind of thing we say in real life but, in this case, it jarred a little. The second sentence is unnecessary in text. It's like adding a PS to an email, when it would be easy just to insert into the body of the letter. In print we don't have to admit that we forgot to mention something. And we all know that so well that it looks a bit forced when we see it.

But that's a tiny quibble and hardly detracts from what is a very powerful, emotive piece. It certainly won't stop me from giving it five stars.


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