%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4685801 |
 | Broken Birthday Early Version  [18+] A crippled youth loses his parents and his home to vicious raiders  |
| (4.0)       A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Winter Fun Raid Review! Hi Graywriter Congratulations. Your story has won a Bronze Award  My aim is to help authors who enter my contest write better stories so I hope you find the following review helpful. The review is my opinion as judge of your entry, but please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest. General Comments -A good attempt at an underdog/revenge story in which a crippled boy finds his courage and avenges the death of his family. However, there is a lot of filler and not enough action. The story needs more focus on the protagonist struggling to overcome his disability and his fear. The story starts strong but the dynamism of the beginning of the opening scene peters out with the bit of back-story at the end. A short story should be lean, i.e. every sentence should build the protagonist's character and drive the story forwards. Only put in back-story if it is absolutely necessary for reader clarity and then break it up rather than slowing or stopping the story by off-loading it all at once. If you remember, when doing my writing exercise, in a scene (all active scenes) the protagonist or point-of-view character needs a goal for that scene and the scene should resolve with the character either succeeding or failing and having some sort of dilemma or further problem as a result of the outcome. This active scene should then be followed by a short reactive scene where the character takes stock and makes a decision and/or a plan of action. I think the point of view needs deepening. There is quite a lot of telling going on e.g. The house was a mess: furniture smashed, crockery broken.; With the ground frozen hard, he had no thought of burying his parents. A note to the author: What kind of fantasy stories are you reading? Sticking an apostrophe in a name to make it seem exotic is just a tad lazy. It is a non-creative way of naming characters. If you want exotic-sounding names and can't manage to create them yourself, use a fantasy name generator. The only time you can get away with adding an apostrophe to a name is if it is a specific cultural thing and should be part and parcel of world-building (i.e. the way a culture speaks; part of their language etc) Even then, it is better to create new names which fit a cultural pattern (e.g. Anglo-Saxon - Aethelred, Cynefrith, Aedmund, Leofflaed, Winnflaed etc). All entries have been judged using a points system for each of the following categories: Characters - Are they engaging, distinctive and interesting? (1-10 points)I like the fact that the protagonist, Jamie, is at a disadvantage in the world. I also like the fact that he can talk to the hawk. I'd prefer it if it wasn't a surprise to him and that his affinity with birds (and animals) was innate and that's what made him an asset to his family. Also, I think apart from a physical disability, he also needs a character flaw or deep emotional wound which hampers him. It would make him seem more like a real person. I think it would be awesome if the hawk kept challenging Jamie - poking at his fear and filling him with self-doubt. This would make for a much more compelling read. Also, I think the danger from the breakers should be more clear and present. They're missing from the middle. I think they need a good reason for their actions rather than being evil for evil's sake. Do they want territory? Do they raid because they are low on resources? Readers want to be scared for Jamie - they need to root for him to overcome his fears and self-doubt and dig deep within himself to defeat them. Your score: 2.5 Plot - Is there enough conflict for the protagonist? Is it compelling? (1 - 5 points)As mentioned above. The story needs to be leaner and fully focussed on Jamie's struggle against his disabilities (external and internal) only when he can overcome his self-doubt and fear can he have a chance of defeating the breakers. The breakers need to be more of an immediate threat. It's great that you've shown how dangerous they are at the beginning by showing the devastation they cause, but they need a better raison d'etre than just going on murderous rampages for the hell of it. Your score: 2 Structure - Does the story have a beginning middle and end? Does the action rise towards a definite climax? (1- 5 points)The story does follow the three-act structure, but the middle is a tad flabby. There needs to be more focus on the present events rather than the constant harking back to the past. The middle of the story needs to build to a make-or-break climax where readers aren't sure Jamie can win. The resolution seems a bit too easy since he hasn't done much struggling up to the point where he gets the breakers to chase him. Your score: 2.5 Dialogue - Does it sound natural? Is it clear who is speaking? Does it convey character and/or advance the plot? (1-5 points)Dialogue in a story should be doing some heavy lifting with regard to character building and plot action. Jamie should sound like a farm boy. There should be little tells in his speech (and in the narrative) referencing his life experiences on the farm and in the countryside. Using contractions such as I've instead of I have and I'll instead of I will would be a start. Just saying. Otherwise, it is clear who's speaking and I was delighted to see you kept dialogue tags to a minimum. Your score: 3.5 Descriptions and setting - Do the descriptions give a good sense of era, setting and atmosphere. Do they create clear images in the reader's mind? (1-5 points)Fantasy and world-building. The two are inextricable. A world created in the author's imagination is a world no one else has experienced so the setting has to come alive and feel real. The devil is in the details, i.e. descriptions need to be concrete and feel personal to the point of view character. So say, instead of telling readers The house was a mess: furniture smashed, crockery broken, which sounds generic and distancing show how the character feels about the destruction for example, by having him shed a tear as he picks up a couple of pieces of the new chair his father had made for him for his birthday and/or having mixed feelings about the shards of his mother's favourite flowery jug sitting in a puddle of souring milk. Why does Jamie's father have a sword? There are other, better things a farmer can use as weapons, things he can use with skill - pitchfork, flail, scythe etc. Fighting well with a sword takes a lot of skill which is got from training and a lot of practice. When would a farmer get the time for those? Your score: 2 Mechanics - Is the story mostly shown rather than wholly told? Is there a clear (single) point of view? Is there good use of figures of speech? Does the prose have a good rhythm? Does the syntax (or sentence structures) make the story flow? Are there many typos or spelling errors? How good is the punctuation? (1-35 points)There's a lot of telling which has crept into the story. The point of view is a rather distant third-person rather than the up-close and personal limited which is much better for reader immersion. The prose (sentence syntax etc) is easy to read and the story does appear to be edited for grammar, punctuation and typo/spelling errors. Your score: 27 Overall - Is there a unique voice? Does the story have a definite theme? Was it a great read? (1- 5 points)This story has a lot of potential. The protagonist does have a clear story goal, but I think there needs to be more conflict for the protagonist and closer attention paid to scene structure. Also, the author needs to adopt a better character naming strategy. Your score:2.5/c} Your total score: 40.5 points. (out of a max of 70 points) Fiction writing is hard. It is the writer's job to hammer out each word, sentence and paragraph so the whole story transports the reader into its pages and allows the reading to flow seamlessly from beginning to end. Story writing is like any other skill worth mastering, it needs lots of practice. However, with a bit of work and some thought I'm certain your creativity will succeed in realising your story's full potential. I think this story is definitely worth the effort.  Keep writing and have fun! 
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 03/21/2023 @ 6:41pm EDT