Hi debmiller1

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
At first I was like, you’re writing a fan fic? Even though I don’t watch horror movies I’ve heard the famous name that starts this show and I was actually thrown for a bit. Well, for almost all of the first section – but what a fabulous twist you laid in there at the end of this section!! I enjoyed that a great deal.

The logline definitely states fact but I’m impressed how Kyle thinks on his feet to deflect the intruder but then also speaks the truth. I couldn’t quite tell if he does that because he knows Gale will fix things but I also get that it shows his age (the young tend to wilt under fire….). It also rings rather true how at the end of the story, Kyle’s a little bit naughty. Though, TBH, I reckon Gale will know what he’s done. She seems to be onto him and he’s young enough to be stupid with what he’s done and give the game away!!

I enjoyed the sci-fi side of this story – how it is drugs of a sort but nothing like what people know. I can sense a lot more short stories based on this premise – especially around Kyle. I’d love to have seen a bit of his background but also, obviously, a bit more of what a quad-sphere really is etc. (Yes, I know there was a word limit but I reckon you could go further with this idea.)

Totally loved Okay, stop brainstorming you next lie. – there are a lot of times people could spout this but I think this is the first I’ve read it!! But…. should be your not you.

I do think, on top of all this, that there could have been a bit more on the house. That was the prompt for this contest and though it’s all about being inspired by it, the only thing we really see is that there is a drug house. We don’t even get much of what it looks like or how it’s a great set for growing the fingers. I’d like to have seen it almost as a character in its own right.


Things to Work On
Do keep an eye on the tense you’re writing in. The story is mostly in the standard past tense but occasionally swaps to the present; that makes it jerk about a little and can pull the reader out of their flow

You swap between Gale and Gail, so don’t forget to proofread names , and there’s a couple of instances where the quote marks are back to front – ie they should be ” at the end of dialogue but have ended up “ instead. Nitpicking, clearly, but curved quotes really do stick out when they’re the odd way around!

…a voice demanded switching on a light. – just needs a comma after ‘demanded’.

After the bit where the man thumps Kyle and he staggers, it would be good to have the next bit of dialogue starting on the same line as it goes together. Separate, there’s just a little bit of ‘who’s speaking here?’

Misses – doesn’t need to be capitalised.

He nearly fought me off. – nothing actually wrong with this sentence but I was puzzled by it. Gail’s not been in the picture until she enters the growing room just before speaking. I can only presume she’s fought the thug off telepathically (due to the whole what he’ll remember when he wakes), but it should be made clear.

If teenagers ever see me in one – in one what? I guess you mean a costume but that hasn’t in face come up in the recent dialogue so it not something a reader would automatically think.

The one finder… – finger not finder.


Closing Comments
Fascinating story, with some great twists and turns. Would like to have seen just a little bit more about the house itself; like how it’s age or size or whatever made it a great spot to grow fingers. Just keep an eye on the proofreading so little things don’t throw the reader out of their zone.

Definitely think the premise could be fleshed out in other short stories.

Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .