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 Review #4659687 |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good day to you, Searán  , and I hope it finds you well. It's Sunday, and the Blimpster's on the prowl for something to review. That makes this your lucky day  . I am certainly no one to be telling anyone how to write, having myself managed to successfully avoid fame and fortune for over sixty years, but I flatter myself that I have learned a thing or two in my decades of chasing the dream. This popped up in the Read a Newbie box in my sidebar, an I'm taking that as my license to offer my opinion. And make no mistake, it is nothing but an opinion for you to use or discard as you wish. My reviews are thorough and honest, and while I hope we can be friends afterward, my greater hope is that you become a better writer as a result of our having crossed paths. By the way, I especially like your bio; everything a reviewer needs to know in a few simple words. Brilliant!For the record, I am a casual and very occasional writer of mystery, fantasy, horror, and steampunk, and I try to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. I was the sole Honorable Mention for the 2021 Quill Award for Reviewing, so I'll have to see whether I can do better this year. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  I will take note that you used the default settings, and I never penalize anyone for that. I will also take note that you indented the first paragraph, but none of the rest, which seems an odd choice. I personally prefer indented paragraphs; they look much more professional to me, but double-spacing certainly serves the purpose.The default font is a tiny version of Arial that can be a strain on tired old eyes, but again, is what's provided, so there is no penalty. I recommend at least emlarging it by placing the command {size:3.5} at the beginning of the text. If you don't like it, just remove the command and it will revert to its original format. There are many ways to "personalize" the look of your items – this review is in 3.5 Verdana with a 1.4 line space setting, for example – that you'll discover as you explore the site. I'd recommend that you peruse Writing.com 101, which can be found in the Tools Tab near the bottom of your left sidebar. STORY: Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. The fact that I'm here writing a review is proof that you've done a pretty good job with the story. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. Enchanting tale! This certainly checks the top box, imagination, and I'm giving the full five stars despite a couple of suggestions I have on the content. First, the title, Peggy, suggests nothing. I'm a fan of subtle titles, mysterious double-entendres, and racy suggestiveness, but Peggy is, TO ME, a bit flat. A woman's nickname, something often attached to a younger girl, could mean anything from a high school romance to the queen of a coven, and asks for a reader's investment without offering a hint of what he'll get in return. I only read this because of the subtitle, and that suggested a comedy of errors, a guy thinking "she wants me" when nothing could be further from the truth. My obvious recommendation is to rework the title to give it a bit of punch, make it unignorable.The other thing, and again, no penalty, is something that many Europeans are probably confused about. The CIA, or Central Intelligence Agency, is the US Government's foreign operations arm. I'm oversimplifying here, but it's the spy agency, our "MI6." If James Bond was an American, he'd work for the CIA. The agency coming to visit Mr. Thompson would most likely be the FBI, or Federal Bureau of Investigation. They are the only policing agency with jurisdiction across the entire US and are analogous to MI5. Other police services are state or local, similar to the Met, and their jurisdiction ends at a geographic line, a city limit or county line. I'm not going to let a little thing like this mar this review, though. It's a wonderful story and richly deserving of the full five stars despite a little hiccup in the technical stuff. MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: "I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  Most of the problem items I mentioned above are missing from this story, and that's a good thing, but there is one issue that I can cover in one word: Paragraphs.I mentioned paragraphs in my remarks on Presentation. They are as vital to reading as air is to breathing, and it's clear that you understand this by the way you've formulated them. I also mentioned my preference for indentations. They do look more professional, given that virtually every published work you have ever seen has them. But apart from just appearance, if you had indented the paragraphs, then the fact that you ran the last two and the two before that together without a space between them would have jumped off the page at the first proofreading. Therein lies a demonstration of the practical value of indentation beyond just the cosmetics. To put this into perspective, this category is often a laundry list of problems and errors, and yours just has the one issue. I made the deduction because correct paragraphing is a huge deal. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? I love these two. A woman on a mission, and a guy, confident in his power over women, being played like a fiddle. Classic characters, but well-handled in an unusual setting. Top-notch work!SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? This takes place in an office, and everyone knows what an office looks like, so there's no need to bog the reader down in pages of description, something you've wisely refrained from doing. The simple backdrop supports all the action without intruding in the slightest. Brilliantly executed.SUMMARY: And there you have my words of "wisdom." I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. I thank you for sharing and exposing your work to the whims of public opinion, and I wish you a thrilling journey to wherever your writing takes you.** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable ** "You don't choose writing; writing chooses you." Interested parties may follow my antics at "Invalid Item" — Serious writers may want to check out the biggest little group on the site. If you'd enjoy occasional deep conversations and a spiffy monthly contest featuring unusual and valuable prizes, stop in for a look. Our forum, linked below, is open access, and if you like what you see, e-mail me to be added to the roster. Hope to see you there!
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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