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 Review #4659058 |
 Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good day to you, d-angel222, and I hope it finds you well. It's Monday, and the Blimpster's on the prowl for something to review. That makes this your lucky day  . I am certainly no one to be telling anyone how to write, having myself managed to successfully avoid fame and fortune for over sixty years, but I flatter myself that I have learned a thing or two in my decades of chasing the dream. Given that reviewing is a major part of the WdC experience, I'm taking that as my license to offer my opinion. And make no mistake, it is nothing but an opinion for you to use or discard as you wish. My reviews are thorough and honest, and while I hope we can be friends afterward, my greater hope is that you become a better writer as a result of our having crossed paths.For the record, I am a casual and very occasional writer of mystery, fantasy, horror, and steampunk, and I try to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. I was the sole Honorable Mention for the 2021 Quill Award for Reviewing, so I'll have to see whether I can do better this year. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  You've used the default settings accurately and with nothing that jars a reader out of the flow. I don't know that I'd have gone to italics for the last four lines, but it harms nothing and I'll not quibble over it. Five stars it is, but I have a couple of suggestions for you.First, the font. The default font is a tiny version of Arial that resembles nothing so much as the fine print in a used car contract. There are many ways to tweak your fonts here – this review is in 3.5 Verdana with a 1.4 line space setting, for example – but the easiest way to render Arial more inviting is simply to add the command {size:3.5} at the beginning of the text. If you decide you don't like it simply remove the command and it will revert back to its original format. The other thing I'd like to mention is my preference for indented paragraphs. Double spacing is grammatically fine – the purpose of a paragraph is to give visual cues to a reader about subtle changes in the story – but indenting brings a professionalism that double spacing can't convey. If you want to try it, you indent by placing the {indent} command at the beginning of each paragraph. I know that sounds like a slog, but there's a shortcut key at the top of the creation box that places one wherever the cursor is on the page. Once you get used to it, it isn't that different from hitting the Tab key. And after all that yammering, it's fine like it is. STORY: Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. The fact that I'm here writing a review is proof that you've done a pretty good job with the story. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. This is fabulous! I usually tell my recipients that "I've seen this done before, but your take is unique because..." I haven't seen this before. Doesn't mean it isn't out there, but goodness, this is excellent. When I read the first paragraph I thought, "Does this guy know my son?" By the time I got to the end, I was howling! A brilliant theme, backed by exquisite execution. I tip my begoggled patrol cap to you!MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: "I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  Some stories lose their focus here, as gaffe after gaffe yank the reader out of what is an otherwise quality narrative. Yours isn't bad, but there are a couple of spots that look like they might be left over from edits. I've done that myself, so obviously it's no big deal, but let me cite them here and you can decide whether they need fixing, or if the problem is my lack of facility with the Queen's English.He was a compulsive liar, lacked common sense, and an absolute insufferable know-it-all. This seems to be missing a word. I'd either go with "He was a compulsive liar, lacked common sense, and was an absolute insufferable know-it-all," or reorder it to make the one "was" that's present do both jobs: "He was a compulsive liar, an absolutely insufferable know-it-all, and lacked any common sense whatsoever." Of course, it's entirely possible that my Colonial version of Pidgin-English is letting me down, but take a look and make your own judgment. The other thing, I can't find a way that I should be reading it. It is, ...as both of them the other were being investigated by the local authority for benefit fraud... I can't make that highlighted "the other" read as part of this sentence, no matter where I put the emphasis. Two other tiny things to look at:  ...however, once puberty struck; all hope flew out the window. This reads as one complete thought, meaning that I'd make that semicolon a comma. Once again, Colonial English... ...stealing money wasn’t off the cards. Is "off the cards" proper Queen's English? Here in the colonies, we'd say "off the table" or "out of the question.So again, nothing major there, just a few things to consider whether they need cleaning up at all. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? I usually deal with traditional narrative-type stories where I'm immersed in a plot that's going on around me. This descriptive type of narration about people you never get close to is a little odd to me, but there's nothing that gets between me and the story. This is obviously a format that you're comfortable writing, and it's an easy read to an entertaining conclusion. Very well done.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? You haven't troubled yourself with settings at all. Normally, I'd be taking you to task over that, but because of the nature of this narrative, it works fine. It doesn't matter whether this is set in a living room, a pub, or a brothel, the story is independent of location. This, I think, is part of what makes a good flash fiction writer. I can ramble around for thousands or tens of thousands of words, and tell a pretty good story. You have to be a real writer to do it hundreds. Well done!SUMMARY: And there you have my words of "wisdom." I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. I thank you for sharing and exposing your work to the whims of public opinion, and I wish you a thrilling journey to wherever your writing takes you.** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable ** "You don't choose writing; writing chooses you." Interested parties may follow my antics at "Invalid Item" — Serious writers may want to check out the biggest little group on the site. If you'd enjoy occasional deep conversations and a spiffy monthly contest featuring unusual and valuable prizes, stop in for a look. Our forum, linked below, is open access, and if you like what you see, e-mail me to be added to the roster. Hope to see you there!
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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