Item Reviewed: "Ripper"   by Nightkeeper
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I absolutely loved this story!!! The twist at the end was perfect, and perfectly delivered. It had exactly the right "I should have seen that coming" foreshadowing that didn't give anything away, but also made the twist satisfying instead of tacked on. Masterful plotting.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opeing is okay, in that it names the POV character, sets the scene, and starts the action. But I longed for a more visceral opening, one that put the reader solidly in Andy's head. I made some more remarks in the line-by-line section below.

                                                             
Plot
Brilliant. It reminded of the best of the plots on the old Hitchcock TV show, or in his mystery magazine.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Andy's head. No slips.

                                                             
Referencing
Modern era, including ubiquitous cell phones photographing everthing.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Kind of sparse, but sufficient for staging. I almost always ask for more, not for staging as much as for bringing the scene to life. Setting should advance character or plot, and preferably both.

                                                             
Characters
I get the impression of Andy as "just an ordinary guy," caught in circumstances. The one exception is his bravery in comeing to the woman's rescue. It makes sense, given his advantage in height and fitness, plust he doesn't seem to have thought it through. Again, caught in circumstances.

                                                             
Grammar
My main comment here is "thought tags." Almost all editors will tell you to cut these. The most common approach is to use italics when directly quoting a character's internal thoughts. You do use italics, but add phrases like "he thought;" it's standard practice to omit these.

This is especially common where readers might need the extra help in differentiating between a character's thoughts and an editorial comment of the author, although there is another technique, called "free indirect discourse," that just puts the POV character's thoughts inline with the text.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Thank you for sharing this story. You'll see below I've made a number of suggestions, but these are just suggested tweaks. This is a really fine story and I greatly enjoyed reading it. With a couple minor editorial changes, it's suitable for publication.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Andy Slater found he couldn’t move. He just sat and stared at the blood prints on the A-Train’s cold, black floor. Some of the footprints were his, but the blood belonged to a businessman seated diagonally opposite, the only other passenger in the car.

He’d breezed past the guy without a glance when he boarded the train, and now he stared at him in total terror. The man’s throat was slashed, empty eyes staring blankly, empty wallet on the light blue seat next to him.

Blood everywhere.

A robbery gone wrong.

Or right.My Comment: Truthfully, this is an awesome story, but the opening doesn’t do it justice.

You do start by naming your POV character, setting the scene, and letting the readers know this will be about a crime in the subway. The second paragraph starts with a brief time reversal back to when Andy entered the train, along with a description of the crime scene.

While we can be pretty sure Andy is the POV character, this opening also doesn’t do much to put us inside his head. Andy “finding” he couldn’t move doesn’t put us in his head. You tell us he’s in terror without giving us a physical or emotional sense of what that means.

It turns out he’s reacting to something, but we don’t learn what until later, so the “action-->reaction” sequence of the here-and-now is reversed along with the time sequence.

Here’s a suggestion. Start with something like, “Andy Slater slumped into his seat on the A-train, and the first thing he noticed was the flat, coppery scent of blood mixed with urine and feces.” Then you can go on and him find the source, and maybe have electric needles jitter down his spine. The idea is that giving him something to smell helps put the readers in his head, along with the sensation of needles down his back.

I’d also keep the timeline linear, to help establish the here-and-now of events.



I’ve gotta get out of here, Andy thought in panic, stood, and headed for the door to the next railcar. He felt immoral,My Comment: The normal standard for internal thoughts is italics, as you’ve done, but also to eschew “thought tags,” so I’d recommend removing “Andy thought in panic.” In addition, you’re telling the readers he’s ‘in panic’ instead of showing it—perhaps he stands on wobbly legs, or his hands shanke. Finally, instead of feeling immoral, guilt might grip him. This makes the ‘guilt’ an active part of the scene as opposed the passive telling the reader how he ‘felt.’

The vestibule doors closed behind him, and he heard a scream. My Comment: “He heard a scream” is a subtle form of telling. You’ve already established that we’re in Andy’s head, so arguably anything on the page is something he’s heard or otherwise sensed. It’s more immediate and intimate if you report what he heard directly. If you want to emphasize he ‘heard’ it, you can have him react in some way.

Andy was six-four, young and fit, and he dropped his right shoulder as he sprinted toward them, poleaxing them both.My Comment: I took the statements about Andy’s height and fitness to be his emotional reaction to the scene in front of him. However, it feels instead like a narrator standing outside the story telling the reader this fact. If you could tweak this slightly to suggest that this is part of what was in his mind as he moved to the rescue it would be better.

Andy stood up, terrified. My Comment: Telling us he’s terrified instead of showing it...

He’s done this before, Andy thought. I’m so dead.My Comment: Thought tags...see above...

and felt a searing sting in his left forearm.My Comment: see above...omit the “felt” and just describe directly what he felt...

The train slowed to a stop. The doors opened. Andy shivered, hands trembling. He tasted blood in his mouth. Blood dripped from his left hand and his shirt felt warm and wet across his stomach.My Comment: Notice here you are describing everything directly without filtering it through Andy with “he felt” or “he saw.” This is much stronger.

Ahh, the guy holding up his phone, he thought. Filmed the whole thing instead of helping. Great morals.My Comment:...thought tags...

Was it fake? Was it artificial? After all, the commandment said: ‘Thou shalt not kill.’My Comment: Here, you’ve given us Andy’s thoughts w/o italics and w/o thought tags. This is even more effective, using something called “free indirect discourse.” If you’re interested in learning more about this technique, please drop me a note.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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Thoughts on Writing  (NPL) Short essays on the craft of fiction. #1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .